BLOGFOOT

Giving back

2010-05-03T12:27:00.001-07:00

Over the years I've nabbed plenty of gratis content from the interwebs. Music, movies, jpgs, etc. Well, throughout the years, one image has eluded me: a picture of the 3D King Kong poster included in a 1975 issue of Dynamite magazine (said poster hung on my bedroom wall for many years as a young lad in the mid 70's).

There was not one single image of this on the web. There were lots of people mentioning it in forums, bemoaning the fact that they lost it or their parents threw it away. But there was no image - until now.

I bought the issue off ebay, and luckily it still had the poster in it. Sadly, the 3D glasses were missing. But I will rectify that.

Now, just to make sure it shows up in google searches and future generations are satisfied, here are some keywords: 3D King Kong poster, Dynamite magazine 1975.

You're welcome.

Conan

2010-01-21T07:21:00.000-08:00

So a lot of people are yakking about this NBC / Conan / Leno imbroglio, and no matter which side of the issue you care about (for instance, Leno stinks and is only for the aged or sweetly retarded), it has been undeniably fascinating to watch Conan's show over the last couple weeks. I can't think of any instance where someone is about to be terminated and yet has such a public forum to vent before even being dismissed. Basically, they told the guy he was going to be done on a certain date, then left him with a plugged-in mic, a camera, and budget. Since then he has dedicated almost every moment to attacking the network that (for now) signs his paycheck. Almost every joke concerns NBC's ineptitude, the band plays nothing but the most expensive-to-license songs (Zeppelin, Stones, Springsteen), comedy bits are conceived and aired based solely on how expensive they can be (like last night's $1.5 million Bugati mouse prop) and even the guests gang up on the network. I'm enjoying it, to say the least.

How do I do this again?

2010-01-21T07:18:00.001-08:00

Oh, right - I type something, hit "publish post," and nobody reads it, because any readers I did have have migrated elsewhere for their blog needs in the 5 months since I last posted something. Got it.

Mandom!

2009-08-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

What is Mandom? Mandom is power. Mandom is desire. Mandom is all. It's like the spice from "Dune."

Mandom was a cologne from Japan in the 70's created by The Mandom Corporation, formerly known as the Tancho Corporation. According to the always-reliable and never wrong Wikipedia, The Mandom Corporation also has it's fingers in many other fascinating pies such as "life and nonlife insurance; staffing; and general services, such as building maintenance and operation, back-office, and environmental maintenance." Well, diversity is key to survival these days.

And in a stroke of genius, they hired a pre-"Death Wish" Charles Bronson to star in a series of commercials for the manly scent in the early 70's. These commercials are, quite simply, art in it's purest form. Cozy vignettes of culture and erudite ease are interspersed with pistols - always a winning technique.

As you can see in the commercials, the key to Mandom is coat your entire torso with it, almost as if showering. You must also spin the cap off, then toss it away as if you are far too important and powerful to be concerning with things like misplaced cologne caps. Now you are living life the Mandom way.

Later in the 70's The Mandom Corporation unleashed a line of high-end men's products called "Gatsby." Awesome. I don't think Bronson was the face of this line, which is probably a good thing. A brand called Gatsby requires a celebrity that's perceived as being a tad more - well, there's no nice way to put this - drunken. Someone like Peter O' Toole or Oliver Reed.

Thanks to the mysterious and powerful Ouzo / comic-book importer known as The Drivas for the heads up.

Here comes the foreman

2009-07-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

Here's a neat little video that shows a male silverback gorilla walking upright, just like us people do. This is no lazy amble either - our gorilla friend is in quite the hurry, it appears.

After viewing this it should be pretty easy for all of you non-believers to simply imagine an eight or nine-foot version of this striding around in the Pacific Northwest, yes? We are all ambulatory, hair-covered cousins on this big blue marble.

Conan, thinking

2009-07-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Or maybe he's brooding - hard to tell. He's frequently described as sullen-eyed, so it could very well be the latter. Whichever it is, you'd best move along. Muscles coiled like a panthers could spring into action at any moment, with your beheading being the most likely result.

artwork by the legendary Big John Buscema

Awesome

2009-07-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

The coolness of the above image shatters every conceivable scale that mankind could possibly have in place to measure it, I'm sure you'll agree. But what is it? Well, I'll tell you.

The image is from a Japanese movie magazine circa 1975 or early 1976. It's an artist's conception of what the supposedly functional 40-ft robot gorilla Dino De Laurentiis was constructing for his il-fated 1976 remake of "King Kong" might look like. Eagle-eyed viewers will note that there are no pneumatics or wiring within, just a metal skeleton (much like Homer Simpson's failed robot), but these are minor scientific quibbles.

Reminds me of the incredible cutaway illustrations of Kaiju from a Japanese book called "An Anatomical Guide to Monsters" published in the 60's. I would pay a king's ransom for this book, but after searching for it pretty consistently since I become aware of it's existence some years ago, I fear I shall never hold it in my hands. One could say with little exaggeration that it is my white whale. I keep hoping someone will reprint it. But at least I have jpgs of some of the pages, and now, thanks to the magic of click and drag, so do you.

How to photo direct promotional materials for an upcoming film

2009-07-06T07:09:00.001-07:00

"OK guys, we're almost done. Now Jack...for this next set, you think you could arch an eyebrow? You know - to let audiences know that you're the 'wacky one.' Wouldn't want people to think you're playing against type or anything. That's perfect....Michael, you just keep looking slightly unsure like you always do in everything you've ever done. Great..."

Let's talk "Hooper," shall we?

2009-05-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

The next time you are wandering around Target, you may notice an end-cap of discounted DVD titles for $5. Most of these titles are dreck and are unworthy of even that small tariff. However, if the stars align for you as they did for me, you may find a gem amongst the dross. I am of course referring to “Hooper,” the 1978 Burt Reynolds vehicle concerning the life of Sonny Hooper, an aging Hollywood stuntman.

This virtues of this movie are legion. Rather than go into some lengthy examination, I will list them in bullet-point form so as to aid in their digestion. So, here are the things that make “Hooper” awesome and well worth your hard-earned $5:

*The movie poster, which they were wise enough to use as the DVD cover, has an illustration of Burt blowing a bubble with some gum while wearing a big cowboy hat (see above).

*The movie is not only about stuntmen, but was directed by a stuntman (Hal Needham, the auteur also responsible for “Cannonball Run” and “Megaforce.”)

*It has Adam West with a moustache (he is the “star” Burt is stunting for during the filming of “The Spy Who Laughed At Danger.”).

*There is a scene wherein a horse drinks a can of beer. Burt then kisses said horse.

*Burt has trained his beer-drinking horse to crap on command, and he urges it to do so in the car of someone he is at odds with. This was big in 1978 cinema, as Clyde the orangutan in Clint Eastwood’s Philo Beddoe epics “Every Which Way But Loose” and “Any Which Way You Can” had a penchant for crapping in vehicles as well.

*There is a lengthy scene ( a ‘set piece’, as they call it in the biz) where everyone heads to a bar and drives along a highway drinking copious amounts of beer in broad daylight, heedless of their own safety or that of others. One even drives backwards at high speeds while drinking. When a highway patrolman on a motorcycle simply attempts to do his job and enforce the law, they attach a cable to his bike and then to a pole, which sends him sprawling. They escape punishment for this act as well.

*The stuntmen engage in a barroom brawl with a gang of large rednecks led by Terry Bradshaw, completely destroying their friend’s bar in the process.

*The rednecks are then befriended, as is moviedom’s custom, and everyone repairs to Burt’s ranch where, after a long night of partying, Burt is the lone man standing. As the other revelers slumber around him, he watches a home movie reel of his prior stunts. In a meta-scene of epic proportions, the home movie contains footage of Burt tackling the rapids in a canoe from “Deliverance.”

*Most of the stunts featured in the movie within the movie make no sense at all, no matter what the context. In one, Burt escapes from some villains chasing him by getting into a helicopter. The helicopter then goes straight up into the air and hovers, at which point Burt leaps out the helicopter and falls. As Hooper, he falls onto an airbag and sets the world record for the longest free fall drop. Bully for Hooper - but how does this makes any sense in a movie about a spy? The character would simply be splattered on the pavement. They repeat this nonsense in a scene where Burt rescues a dog (?) and attempts to flee between rooftops via a tracked cable of some sort. He makes it halfway across, then falls when the cable snaps. Again, this makes no sense for a lead character in a spy film.

*Brian Keith and Jan-Michael Vincent co-star as fellow stuntmen. Brian Keith is Jocko, the old retired stuntman, and Jan-Michael is the young upstart (they call him “The Kid”) looking to seize Burt’s crown.

*The movie was the inspiration for the Lee Major’s television series “The Fall Guy,” for which it deserves our eternal gratitude.

*The big stunt during the finale involves Burt and Jan-Michael driving a car around some type of industrial village that is being blown to smithereens, and when the bridge over a ravine collapses, they have to jump it in a custom-made rocket car, thus setting another stunt man record for longest jump. Sonny celebrates this by punching the film within a film’s director in the face before heading off to presumably drink more canned beer.

*Naturally, the movie has a blooper reel playing over the end credits. They take this up a notch by having a banjo-fueled song called "Nothin' Like the Life (Of A Hollywood Stuntman) playing as well.

There you go – although I’m certain I left out many laudable moments. I didn’t even scratch the surface of Sonny Hooper’s painkiller addiction, the possibility of his paralysis, and Sally Field bouncing around in tight t-shirts. In short, I wholeheartedly encourage you to run, don’t walk, and get your $5 copy of “Hooper” now.

Pointless, unexplainable desires

2009-05-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

I just opened a business and in the process cut my pay by about 70% from what I was previously making in the ad biz. We have another baby on the way and the insurance at my wife’s new-ish job blows, meaning that after the baby arrives the stork will also be dropping off a co-pay bill for about $5k, not to mention the increased daycare costs three months after her maternity leave ends. And our house needs a new roof in a bad way.

And yet, for some inexplicable reason, about once a month I find myself logging onto ebay and looking at auctions for the large-scale Shogun Warriors Godzilla figure released in the 70’s.

Why? I’m not entirely sure. Let’s peel back the layers of my cerebellum and try and find out together, shall we? A good start might be to get all of you who are not familiar with said Godzilla toy up to speed on this item. Here’s a visual to get the saliva flowing.

Very cool, yes? Here’s some background for you: this toy was released by Mattel in 1979 as part of their ‘Shogun Warriors” line of giant robot figures based on Japanese characters. The Godzilla figure stood 19 1/2” tall and as you can see, didn’t really look all that much like Godzilla. But its scale was impressive for the time.

I know what you’re thinking – “Just another Gen-X’er wanting to reclaim the toy his parents threw away.” Not so - I never owned this toy. When it was released I was 12 years old, and had outgrown toys. But I still liked Godzilla as a character / concept, so I always looked at it whenever I was stuck at Sears or JC Penny’s with my mom and headed to the toy section out of boredom. Here’s more pics.

His “atomic breath” was simulated via a flicking plastic tongue (triggered by a lever that is prone to break) and his fist also shot off, which didn’t make a helluva lot of sense either. And his feet had wheels on the bottom, but if you rolled him too fast he simply fell over. And yet, despite these many shortcomings…I want one. The overall effect of it is undeniably neat. We now pause for a word from our sponsors.

It’s not like I don’t have Godzilla figures already. I have the re-issue of the old beloved Aurora model from the 60’s / 70's that I built as a kid, as well as some nice inexpensive vinyl figures from Japan that actually look like the character. Why does this imperfect, altogether unnecessary thing keep flitting about, moth-like, in and out of my consciousness?

Cue my wife's reply - "Because you're stupid." Well, that may be true, but there must be some deeper, darker force at work. I also must clarify that I never bid much on this item when I do try and nab it - generally I go for imperfect specimens (paint scuffs, loose firing hand, the aforementioned broken tongue lever) and bid a maximum of $50. Over the last eight years or so I have probably tried to get it on the cheap somewhere in the realm of ten times, and am always defeated.

Then again, Father's Day is fast approaching...it's not too much to ask for a little green plastic love on June 21st, is it?

The sweetness

2009-05-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

An old friend of mine recently unearthed this and posted it on his facebook page - it's a segment from Steve Martin's 1981 NBC special "Comedy is not Pretty." This has been stuck in my head since viewing it way back then, but whenever I mentionedit to people they didn't know what I was talking about. Now am thrilled - nay, honored - to be able to present it to you, my loyal readers.

EL PASO - MARTY ROBBINS STEVE MARTIN

I'm "with it"

2009-05-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

I just revived my Twitter account after opening one last summer and promptly forgetting about it. Why? Because I do everything Ashton, Oprah and CEO's of large multi-national corporations do.

If so inclined you can follow my whip-smart observations there, under the name Blogfoot of course. Most of the time it will simply link you back to new posts here, but hey - you'll be way ahead of those hayseeds who simply have the site bookmarked. What a bunch of cavemen!

T-shirt pwnage

2009-05-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

After being back-ordered for the last month and a half, I finally received this beauty in the mail, thus clearly giving me the upper hand in the ongoing "white guy with the coolest obscure t-shirt wars." Surrender now before someone gets hurt.

**NOTE** that is not me in the pic - I am much cooler than that guy, nor do I use plates and utensils when I eat.

Again with the steampunk

2009-05-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

I like Boing Boing as much as the next grown-up nerd. Maybe more. But jumpin' Jack Armstrong*, cool it with the played-out steampunk features, would ya? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who really doesn't give a hoot what Captain Nemo's toilet would have looked like. Enough, I say, enough!

*thanks to Col. Potter

Best opening line of a book ever?

2009-05-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

-George Orwell
1984

That's got my vote. There's certainly no shortage of great openings of famous and feted books (Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, A Christmas Carol, Slaughterhouse Five, Something Wicked This way Comes, etc), but Orwell's opening is impressivley simple, using just one word ("thirteen") to immediately communicate that there is something different about the world he is bringing the reader into.

Discuss amongst yourselves. Or not. Watch someone get cock-punched by a kangaroo on youtube if that's what you feel like doing. This is America, after all.

The unbelievable & horrifying truth

2009-05-10T10:56:00.001-07:00

After toiling in the trenches for years at various advertising agencies, I recently opened up my own business - a barbershop. So far things are going well - everyday we are servicing more customers than the day before, people are leaving happy, those coming in say that their friends told them about it, etc. Fairly gratifying thus far.

And as someone who worked in advertising for 13 years, and always did so at agencies that believed that smart, challenging brand communications that blazed trails in heretofore un-plowed media terrain were ultimately the only way to build your business, I have some news to report.

It's bullshit.

Now, I'll admit we've only been open for 10 days, and we have a long road to trod yet. I also admit that we are going to do some advertising sooner rather than later. But what I have discovered so far is a couple of things that will horrify all you practitioners of craft who stay at the office late in thrall of your bosses, tirelessly digging for that pure, original message that some client can ruin by slapping an exclamation point on. Those couple things I've discovered are this:

1.) The best advertising is positive word of mouth.

2.) Direct mail works.

There it is. I leave you now to writhe in agony and question your place in the grand scheme of things.

I'm salivating

2009-05-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

When you have a man-sized appetite, just any old packaged food won't cut it. No, when your stomach begins to rumble and roar like a caged lion, there's only one thing you can really count on - Fud.

Trust Fud to deliver only the finest deli-quality meats and cheeses to your table. Fud will bring satisfaction and smiles to any picnic, lunch table or family gathering.

Remember - Fud.

Holy cow

2009-04-22T15:43:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this during a recent google search. No, your eyes do not deceive you - there is actually someone roaming our planet with an Alan Alda as Hawkeye Pierce tattoo! I'm stunned. And, I must confess, more than a bit envious.

Connecticut yankee seeks outlet

2009-04-21T09:58:00.001-07:00

Before preparing to repel the Visigoth hordes, it's always a good idea to cleanse thine inbox and set yon heretical magic device to vibrate.

Pic courtesy of Gizmodo.

I weep for the future coverage of upcoming films about the future

2009-04-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

I just learned that the venerable "Starlog" magazine is ceasing publication as of it's latest issue, numbered 375. Like seemingly everything nowadays, it is becoming a web-only entity. Hang on for a few seconds as I shed some nostalgic tears and shake my fist at cruel and uncaring Crom, perched on his throne in the sky.

OK, I'm back. For those of you unfamiliar with Starlog magazine, it was quite an important publication back in the day - important that is, if you were concerned and/or obsessed with science fiction - fantasy films and TV shows. And who among us wasn't obsessed with those things? No man I'd care to drink with, that's for sure.

The magazine started in 1976, and quickly gained prominence among fans of the genre. You young 'uns weened on the teat of the web have to remember that it was pretty hard to find info on such topics back then, so a magazine with color photos of "Star Wars" and "Superman: The Movie" would actually sell a respectable amounts of copies. But Starlog didn't just have photos - it featured behind the scenes articles and interviews with the people responsible for current and forthcoming features. So a while before "Blade Runner" was released, you could pick up an issue of Starlog that had interviews with the screenwriters, kick-ass production designer Syd Mead and author Philip K. Dick to boot. And yes, this was indeed a big deal to me in 8th grade.

Just look at the cover of that issue - it's packed to the gills with cool shit. You have the "Blade Runner" coverage I mentioned, plus an article above the masthead titled "Should Spock Die?" (let it not be said that Starlog was afraid to tackle the tough questions), coverage of "John Carpenter's The Thing" and, as a bonus, John W. Campbell's classic short-story "Who Goes There," which is the what "The Thing" was based on, a free spaceship blueprint, and much, much more. Worth every nickel of the $2.50 cover price, I'm sure you'll agree.

They were the go-to source for advance word on classics like "Alien" and "Altered States" as well as dreck like "The Black Hole" and "Heartbeeps." They also launched a spin-off with "Fangoria" magazine, which was basically Starlog for the horror and gore crowd. The first issue of that had Godzilla on the cover and sizable article on George Romero's "Dawn of the Dead," which made for a fine debut in my book.

Farewell, magazine-format Starlog. I will miss your ads for sci-fi movie soundtracks and spaceship and robot blueprints. But I still have some of my old copies to cling to, as well as the below additions from their fine "Starlog Photo Guidebook" series - "Robots" and "Special Effects":

Young film snobbery of the third kind

2009-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

In 1977 a science-fiction film was released that became an obsession of my 10 year-old self. That film was not "Star Wars." That film was "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."

Don't get me wrong - I saw "Star Wars" at the theater 3 times during the summer of 1977 and was pretty enraptured of it. But then during Christmas vacation my parents took us to see "Close Encounters" and all bets were off. I felt then and still feel that "Close Encounters" is the superior film. I saw it 2 more times that winter, and also saw the "special edition" twice when it was released in 1980.

The movie grabbed me pretty quickly - possibly because it seemed much more real and plausible, even to my young eyes. At it's core, the movie is basically about an ordinary man (an electrician for Pete's sake) grappling with the unknown, as well as the question "are we alone?"

Brief digression: that last part reminds me of a quote from author Arthur C. Clarke that I've always found, for lack of a better phrase, rather mind-blowing: "Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying."

Well put, Mr. Clarke. Anyway, the movie contained an interesting mix of menace and wonder - kids were abducted, hard-to-define UFO's flew by casting off lens flares, the government was engaged in a cover-up, etc. Where "Stars Wars" was all adventure and spectacle, and quite obviously make-believe, "Close Encounters" was shot on locations and seemed maybe like it had, or could, actually occur. When we left the theater, I reflexively looked up at the night sky ("Hey, is that star moving?").

I watched the last hour or so of "Close Encounters" last night on some HD channel - it looked pretty darned good in hi-def, but also made me think about how well the movie has aged over the years. Certainly is has aged better than "Star Wars," and is without a doubt a more emotional and cerebral film. Collectively the acting is better, the effects are to my mind more impressive because of their real-world context, and it has a shot that imbedded itself into my brain and has never left - in my opinion one of the indelible moments of cinema. This one:

That abduction sequence was masterful as whole, but that shot - with the trees whipping around due to an otherwordly inferno being generated by God knows what kind of mechanism landing in someone's front yard - holy cow.

I was definitely in the minority at school when I attempted to convince others that "Close Encounters" was better. It had no toys or merchandising, and thus failed to whip youngsters into a frenzy like "Star Wars" did (I'll grant you that it was also much more fun to run around the neighborhood pretending to be Han Solo, pointing your imaginary blaster and going "Pew! Pew!" than it was pretending to be Roy Neary driving around in an electrical truck) . Then again, whenever mashed potatoes were served for dinner, you were presented with a golden opportunity to sculpt them into the shape of Devil's Mountain. So there.

"Close Encounters" was a huge financial success, and I think time has borne out my opinion of it's enduring quality. Certainly "Star Wars" has remained more in the public consciousness, but barring a few moments of aliens obviously played by little kids in costumes at the end (the mechanical alien puppet that does the sign language and smiles is awesome, though), "Close Encounters" isn't dated at all, and in fact seems like it could be made today.

But don't even try and draw me into an argument about whether "Close Encounters" is better than "The Empire Strikes Back." I'm not touching that one.

Hulk not understand bus schedule

2009-04-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

Spotted the other day in the sleepy confines of Saint Anthony Village - a bus shelter rent asunder, victim of the awesome power of gamma radiation. Obviously Bruce Banner was waiting for the #4 in order to go to an interview for a dishwashing job at a downtown diner. The bus was running late, and the inevitable occurred.

Party in NE Mpls

2009-04-07T06:31:00.000-07:00

As seen next to the parking lot of the Red Stag Supper Club. I recommend that you never kiss the cook who deigns it necessary to have a commode next to his grill. But maybe the guy is just a believer in the power of multi-tasking.

Fly-Man!

2009-03-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

Boy, do I feel retroactively bad for all the kids in the 60's who asked for a Spider-Man costume to wear on Halloween and instead received this from their dopey, easily-confused parents. Ugh.

Fly-Man! He has the power to live for only 24 hours! Fly-Man! Unable to soar in a straight line! Fly-Man! His compound-vision goggles enable him to easily elude your clumsy swatting!

Pic courtesy of the fine blog known as Retrocrush.

Just for kicks

2009-03-24T09:16:00.001-07:00

Here's some cool vintage pics of stop motion animation and special effects pioneer Ray Harryhausen at work.

Just to keep things straight - the first pic of is Ray animating one of the seven skeletons from the climatic battle in his masterpiece "Jason and The Argonauts," and the second is the big finish in "Valley of Gwangi," wherein an Allosaurus battles an elephant in a Mexican coliseum (?!).

I really like that in both pics Ray is wearing a tie. He got up, put on some nice clothes, ate breakfast and went to go animate things everyday. Pretty neat.

More fine realtor advertising

2009-03-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

With the housing bubble having burst, selling the glut of homes on the market has become even more cutthroat than usual. And with ramped-up competition, realtors have turned to their one legal means to engender a business advantage: compelling advertising that grabs the consumer by the eyeballs.

Take Joe Kasel, for instance.

What Joe has done here is placed his faith in the time-honored practice of puns / word-play, and in this case he shoehorned it into raping a folksy saying about how every man's home is his - well, you know. To his credit, he realized that even adroit viewers might be flummoxed by this deft approach, so he threw his name in italics and then plopped a castle graphic on his logo to bring it on home. Oh - now I get it.

Then we have Terry Anderson.

Fate having denied Terry a surname that could serve a dual-purpose, she was forced to use visual trickery to command attention. Ergo, we have a gigantic, legless woman (or maybe her lower half is serpent-like? That would be cool) looming menacingly over a house. After all, research shows that gigantism inspires trust and confidence in potential buyers. I myself have rejected many perfectly suitable homes because the agent was unable to pick up a holstein cow or pickup truck as easily as you or I would a puppy.

Sorry about the semi-blurriness of these pics. They were small ads on the counter of the check-out lane of my local grocery store, and this was the best my phone could do under those conditions.

Weekend plans

2009-03-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

I'm going to drag the wife to see "I Love You, Man," because it has both Rush and Lou Ferrigno in it, and that's good enough for me.

We have a winner

2009-03-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

And it is Zappos, winning handily by showing up late yesterday. Sorry Netflix.

Netflix VS Zappos

2009-03-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

If you rent DVDs from Netflix or have ordered shoes from Zappos.com, you know how eerily fast both are when it comes to shipping (a day or day and half turnaround is generally the norm). Perhaps you have even done as I have, and laid awake countless nights pondering which was the fastest.

Well wonder no more, because yesterday I ordered a pair of shoes from Netflix, and also returned a movie to Netflix, prompting my next shipment. Thus, the showdown begins: which will arrive first - my new pair of leather New Balance sneakers, or the movie "Synedoche, New York"? According to emails that arrived within minutes of one another, both are en route. Stay tuned!

You've got to be shi#%ing me

2009-03-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was updating my facebook profile and typed in a typically pithy message, which in this instance stated that I was "working on some muppet fan fiction."

There you go - a perfectly semi-amusing facebook update. As someone who is fascinated by the whole fan fiction thing (in particular "M*A*S*H" fan fiction), it recently occurred to me that writing muppet fan fiction would be a pointless exercise of the highest order. After all, half of the fun of the muppets is the visual aspect - they are funny looking puppets that move and gesticulate in an interesting fashion. Another important quality of the muppets is the vocal aspect - each have unique vocal styles that help define their characters - again, a quality that would lost on the printed page.

But then a terrifying thought gripped me: has someone actually written muppet fan fiction, and if so, had they actually attempted to do so in a non-satirical fashion?

It turns out some mad fiends have. And here is an excerpt from one particular story I found (you guessed it) online titled "Sometimes The Sky Calls":

A shiver ran down Kermit’s spine as he sat in his cell, looking through the glass window to try and see what was going on in the other cells surrounding his own. Observing his friends from the boarding house, as well as neighbors and strangers, pacing around irritably in their mini-prisons while occasionally shouting out their demands to know what was going on. It was a whole new breed of chaos, one that the frog wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle.

He was worried, but even more than that…he was scared.

Brrr- chilling stuff, no? As near as I can tell so far the author, no doubt in the throes of an oxycotin overdose, conceived of a tale in which Muppets were rounded up like Jewish people and tossed in some type of concentration camp. Here's more:

“Dis is insane, d’ey can’t do dis to us!” Rizzo screeched from behind the amphibian, while attempting to scrape a hole in the cement wall at the back of the room. Fozzie simply sighed with worry, while Piggy stared at the back of Kermit’s head. It was only a matter of time before the other two did the same, looking toward their natural-born leader for advice.

He glanced back at them, but was unable to deliver the sort of supportive and uplifting speech they had come to expect from him when times got rough. After all, the situation they found themselves in right now was far different from anything they had encountered before. Everything was going to be different after this; and the frog wasn’t sure how he was going to handle the outcome…how any of them would.

“I’m sure they’ll tell us what’s going on soon.” Kermit finally said after a few moments, returning his worried gaze back through the window in front of him. Hoping to spot a guard that might be willing to give them a clue about the situation, although he couldn’t help doubting it that it would happen.

“D’ese guys? Telling us da truth?” The rat scoffed half-heartedly, too consumed with worry to be as sarcastic and cynical as he was normally capable of. He was beginning to let his panic set in, and quickly re-directed his attention back to the wall he was trying to dig a hole in. “I’d get us out of here before we get any info about what da heck’s going on from them!”

The others in the cell watched as he resumed his attempts to chip away at the wall with his teeth, each understood how he was feeling. After all, they were feeling it too.

A couple of hours had passed since the soldiers had stormed the town and taken everyone into custody, bringing them to this facility and putting them into the cells they now occupied; four per room. And not once had any of them been given an explanation as to what was going on, why they were there, what was happening to their friend.

They were being left in the dark, and Kermit hated it.

I will now give you a moment to let the enormity of all that sink in.

Now - I don't want to get all Statler and Waldorf here, but obviously this story has major problems. The greatest of which is that it violates a storytelling axiom I like to adhere to, which is this: there are some subjects that just flat-out defy versimillitude, or "real world" treatment. Muppets are definitely one of these subjects, as are Smurfs / Snorks, Rainbow Brite, Jem, etc. Trying to ascribe feelings of fear, doom and themes of imprisonment or mortality to these characters just doesn't work.

In conclusion, anyone seeking to pen some muppet fan fiction in the future would do well to heed this advice, and simply stick to writing stories that have Kermit banging Miss Piggy. Maybe work in a jealous Link Hogthrob for a little love triangle action - stuff like that.

Didn't your mother teach you to never pick up 4th-level Paladin / Thief hitchhikers?

2009-03-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

Some friends picked me up to go see "Watchmen" yesterday (more on that later, or maybe not), so I hopped in the backseat of their car and off we went. I looked absentmindedly around the backseat as we chatted and noticed many of the things people commonly have in their back seats, such as ice scrapers, a box of kleenex, a copy of that weeks "City Pages," a dagger in a bejeweled scabbard...hey, what the?

That's right: a dagger in a bejeweled scabbard. Behold:

Truly exquisite craftsmanship. Mordok the Unconquerable will be pleased that you were able to pilfer this from the treasure room of his hated enemy.

Unsheathed, you are now ready to ward off a giant spider, pesky cave troll or the other dude in the backseat who's trying to gank some of your fries.

When it rains, it pours

2009-03-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

And now we have photographic evidence to support my claim - an actual vintage JC Penny print ad showing Super Dennis engaged in some deep knee bends in JC Penny "Super Wear Headquarters." Some guy is auctioning this torn-out ad on ebay for $11.99. A tad steep for my tastes, but I'll starve him down then make a rock-bottom "best offer" (hot financial tip - the putrid economy has also escorted us into a golden age of haggling).

Man, I wish I could read that copy, but it gets too blurry when enlarged. Once again I am tantalized by Super Dennis! On the bright side though, I think I just found my next Halloween costume.

Another thing you will note is that the actual photo and the sticker graphic below don't look very much like one another. The heads sorta match, but the impression I'm left with is that the sticker graphic was the original concept, and the actual prop is the result of budget realities settling in. In any case, pretty sloppy synergy there in the JC Penny in-house ad department, I would say. And at first blush the sticker looks cooler, but upon further study I like the photo version more. Probably because that's how I remember him from the TV spots, but those HVAC flex-tube arms and grappling hooks he has for hands don't hurt either.

I'm not crazy

2009-03-04T17:52:00.000-08:00

Longtime Blogfoot readers are no doubt familiar with my sad quest to unearth information concerning a half-remembered TV campaign JC Penny's did during the 70's featuring a robot wearing jeans to demonstrate how tough and durable the dungarees were.

The product was called "Super Denim," and the character (filmed in live action) was called - to the best of my memory - "Super Dennis." Documentation on this has proved elusive - no youtube videos, no print ads scanned, nothing. Just a few people out there wondering aloud is this thing really existed. Some readers have sent emails and comments stating they remember this too, but thus far, nothing concrete has surfaced. Which has always struck me as odd, considering what a giant repository of worthless gunk the internet is.

Well, as any detective worth his salt will tell you, the key to cracking a tough case is persistence. Hence my googling the words "super dennis" every couple months. And now, finally - a payoff! Someone posted an image on a flicker page of a sticker JC Penny's slapped on the labels of the jeans. Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is - Super Dennis.

Now we have a solid foundation upon which to build our case. Rest assured I will continue to regularly grope for Super Dennis info and post any findings post haste.

In Search Of Bigfoot

2009-03-04T09:43:00.001-08:00

The late, great 70's-era "In Search Of..." TV show hosted by the titan known as Leonard Nimoy has yet to surface on DVD, but here is the next best thing - the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization has linked the the "Bigfoot" episode from youtube in two easy-to-digest portions.
Click here to watch, and prepare to be riveted to your monitor as Nimoy drops some science on ya.

Bum wines

2009-03-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

We've all been there - you're 17 years old and you want to get drunk, but you and your buddy have but a scant $4.00 between the two of you. So you decided against getting a couple 40's of Mickey's, and head over to no man's land: the cooler that holds cheap chilled wines like MD 20/20 and Night Train.

But how to know which one tastes the best (a relative term, to be sure), 0r which one will "get you there quicker?" Well, some enterprising chaps have the answers to your questions, courtesy of BumWine.com. They review and rate each wine based on taste, alcohol content and even sense of warmth imparted, which is a nice touch. Thus informed, you can now empty that change jar, don your best pair of fingerless gloves and head out in search of some grape-flavored paint thinner.

Wealth

2009-03-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

These days it seems like every conversation revolves around the economy and how we're basically all circling the drain. Escapism is also big right now, as people like to forget about their plummeting 401ks and the marauding bands of gas-hoarding mutants canvassing the highways. Well, here's a post that kills two birds with one stone: The Forbes Fictional 15, a list comprised of the wealthiest make-believe characters, circa 2007 (market turbulence has undoubtedly changed this list somewhat). Here goes:

1) Scrooge McDuck
Worth: 28.8 billion
Source: Mining & Treasure hunting interests

2) Ming the Merciless ("Flash Gordon")
Worth: 20.9 billion
Source: Slavery, technology

3) Richie Rich (Obnoxious child comic-book character)
Worth: 16.1 billion
Source: Inheritance, Conglomerates

4) Mom ("Futurama")
Worth: $15.7 billion
Source: Tech, conglomerates

5) Jed Clampett ("Beverly Hillbillies")
Worth: $11.0 billion
Source: Oil via wayward buckshot, Banking

6) C. Montgomery Burns ("The Simpsons")
Worth: $8.4 billion
Source: Energy

7) Carter Pewterschmidt ("Family Guy" or that other dumb show the dude does)
Worth: $7.2 million
Source: Inheritance, Media, Steel

8) Bruce Wayne ("Batman")
Worth: $7.0 billion
Source: Inheritance, Defense

9) Thurston Howell III ("Gilligan's Island")
Worth: $6.3 billion
Source: Howell Industries

10) Tony Stark ("Iron Man")
Worth: $6.0 billion
Source: Defense Contracts, Transistors

11) Fake Steve Jobs (internet meme)
Worth: $5.7 billion
Source: Technology, Walt Disney Co.

12) Gomez Addams ("The Addams Family")
Worth: $2.0 billion
Source: Inheritance, Investments

13) Willy Wonka
Worth: $1.9 billion
Source: Confections, Aerospace

14) Lucius Malfoy ("Harry Potter")
Worth: $1.6 billion
Source: Inheritance

15) Princes Peach (Nintendo's "Mario Brothers")
Worth: $1.3 billion
Source: Inheritance, Commodities

Jeez - most of these slobs inherited their money. And I definitely like the inclusion of Ming the Merciless. But - if Richie Rich is listed #3, and obviously just a kid, wouldn't his net worth be entirely derived from his father - you know, that big dude with the tiny head? Why is he not on this list?

Here's a possible answer - he's drinking himself silly. I guess he got a peek at his quarterly earning report.

Gaaahhh

2009-02-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

Sophia Loren made an appearance at the Academy Awards last night to present the Best Actress award. Afterward she gracefully excited the stage, wherein she was promptly beheaded by Harry Hamlin, who was hiding behind a pillar. Before anyone could react he tossed her head into a brown canvas sack and flew off on his winged horse and used Ms. Loren's head to turn the fearsome Kraken to stone, thus saving the land of Joppa.

Who you gonna call?

2009-02-23T10:15:00.000-08:00

I was looking for an old issue of "Argosy" on ebay ("Argosy" was a mag that in the 60's & 70's reported on UFOs, Bigfoot and other out there stuff) because I remembered seeing one that had a sweet painted cover of Bigfoot fighting a bear, and I wanted to screen-grab the image, as I misplaced the one I grabbed years prior. On the glorious painting in question Mr. Bigfoot was brandishing a log like a baseball bat, ready to KO the bear. It was awesome.

Sadly, no one was selling that issue. But I did see this one.

Sharkbusters! There's a movie waiting to happen - guys swim around poking sharks with sticks. At the very least it could be a syndicated series starring Lorenzo Lamas shown on Saturday afternoons, right after "Acapulco H.E.A.T" and "Thunder in Paradise."

And yes, I do know what the "H.E.A.T" in "Acapulco H.E.A.T" stands for - "Hemisphere Emergency Action Team." Duh.

Pardon our dust

2009-02-17T15:16:00.001-08:00

Please bear with us as we experiment with different blog layouts over the next several days. I was getting tired of reading that type reversed out of dark blue, and thus, am searching for the the layout that best brings my rich canon of work to life.

How to not get sued

2009-02-14T14:03:00.000-08:00

Actually, I don't have any real, practical advice on how to avoid getting sued. But if you wanted such information, you could do worse than ask Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo, stars of the 1952 gem "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla." Because how these guys managed to not have every asset of theirs seized by the lawyers of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis is well beyond my realm of understanding:

Blogfoot remembers: The Barbarian Brothers

2009-02-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

If you haunted a lot of video stores in the 80's as I did, you were no doubt aware of the world's most muscular twin thespians, The Barbarian Brothers.

The Barbarian Brothers were twin bodybuilders named Peter Paul and Ron Paul that, like so many of us, had dreams of Hollywood stardom (Personally, I think it would be a much more interesting story if there were a set of twins, and one got real huge and muscular, and the other stayed scrawny, but that's just me). Generally they just lurked in the background of scenes in movies like 1985's "The Flamingo Kid" where they played, you guessed it, muscular twin lifeguards. Or they tore the doors off cars in classics like 1983's "D.C Cab", where they honed their craft alongside the likes of Mr. T and Gary Busey.

Then in 1987 the brothers got the chance to show the world their true mettle courtesy of the quality-merchants at the Cannon Group via a starring vehicle called, elegantly enough, "The Barbarians."

Made in Italy with a budget that was probably carried around in a brown paper bag, the film's plot summary on wikipedia is a thing of curt, albeit nonsensical beauty:

"Twin brothers attempt to save their people of entertainers against Kadar who lust for the ruby that ensures their talents."

I've read that about three times now and I think I sort of get it, but I'm not completely sure - it's not really English as I understand and wield it. So I instead went to the more-reliable imdb, where I found a much more richly woven tapestry:

"The young orphans Kutchek and Gore have been adopted by a tribe of clowns, jugglers, and entertainers. The tribe is led by the queen Canary and its wealth stems from her magical belly stone. The evil ruler Kadar desires Canary and her stone, and attacks her clan's caravan to gain possession of them. Before the clan's defeat one of the clansmen sneak away to hide the stone. Canary is locked up in Kadar's harem, Kutchek and Gore in his quarry to be trained as gladiators, and the rest of the clan is to live as outlaws in the woods. When Kutchek and Gore have grown up to VERY big gladiators, they run away and break into Kadar's harem with the aid of the young woman Lemone. Canary quests them to find "The Old King's Weapons" and with these kill the dragon that guards the hidden belly stone. Afterwards they should find a new queen and give her the stone, to restore the tribe to its former glory."

That's better. Anyway, I've never seen the movie, but now don't believe I can rest until I see the brothers "kill the dragon that guards the belly stone" with my own eyes.

Lest you think The Barbarian Brothers rested on their laurels, a little investigation from yours truly has divined that they kept busy in the 90's with a series of direct-to-VHS releases, seen below.

This is funny because there are not one, but two sets of twins (for clarity's sake - the Barbarian Brothers are the dudes who look like the offspring of Jose Caseco and Dolph Lundgren). I also like the subtle reference to "Home Alone" in the blurb.

The "Think Big" logo is awesome, is it not? But my keen eyes indicate that Richard Kiel is in this movie, so I want - nay need - to see it.

Mining territory already covered by Jean Claude Van Damme in "Double Impact", this version differs in that it features twins that are 2,000 feet tall. Which would explain why that sweatshirt doesn't quite fit.

You can watch the trailer for "Twin Sitters" here. The end credits indicate that George "I Played James Bond Once" Lazenby is in the hizzy, but I didn't spot him in the trailer. But maybe I was just struck blind.

And here's the trailer for "Double Trouble." It features yet another fight on a playground, and James "Scotty" Doohan as the hard-nosed Police Chief! I was also quite sad to see that Mr. Roddy McDowell appeared in this mess. Sorry about that, Roddy. You deserved better.

The boys managed to appear in a couple of other films in the aughts, but at this point appear to have kind of flamed out, sad to say. God willing, maybe they'll pop up someday on "Dancing with the Stars" or on some VH1 show like "Celebrity Fit Club" or 'The Surreal Life." Rest assured that in the event such a blessed thing occurs, I will be on the case and swiftly post any alerts.

The Nozzle

2009-02-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you watch "The Venture Brothers" on Cartoon Network / Adult Swim, but it's a pretty funny show. It's basically a spoof of the old "Jonny Quest" cartoon mixed with a bunch of comic-book and spy genre gags, and concerns the adventures of two dopey teenage characters (Hank & Dean Venture), their scientist father (Dr Thaddeus Venture) and their bodyguard / Office of Secret Intelligence agent (Brock Samson) as they battle various foils such as members of The Guild of Calamitous Intent.

TOP: the cast of Venture Brothers
BELOW: the cast of Jonny Quest

Anyway, I finally got around to watching some season 3 episodes on the ol'd DVR recently, and I found the following sequence amusing, in which a former quiz show boy genius is brought to the Office of Secret Intelligence to be interrogated and then converted into a spy:

That's right: "The Nozzle." Keen viewers will also note that one of the agents in the clip is an obvious homage to Hunter S. Thompson.

Speaking of Adult Swim shows, you could also do worse than give Metalocalypse a peek.

Muzak files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy

2009-02-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

Muzak Holdings says its total debt is between $100 million - $500 million with assets of less than $50,000. What - is the economy so bad that people don't ride elevators anymore? Are passengers fated to endure elevator rides in uncomfortable silence, with no dulcet tones wafting gently through the air? I blame the ipod, and those people who always insist on discussing the weather.

Yes, me worry

2009-02-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

A recent article in the New York Times (I'd link to it, but can't because I'm not a subscriber, as I am cheap) reports that venerable humor publication Mad Magazine is going to a quarterly publishing schedule (that's 4 times a year to you.).

In publishing circles, this is akin to a young Al Pacino kissing you on both sides of your face. Which means that soon Mad magazine will not exist, at least not as a news stand presence. I find this prospect rather disturbing. Although I'm sure DC / Time Warner, who own the property, will slap up some lame website in order to maintain the copyright. Whoopee.

Have we truly come to this? I realize that Mad hasn't stayed at the editorial heights it did as a magazine in 60's & 70's, but still - it's just plain reassuring to see it for sale on magazine racks. Who hasn't read or owned an issue of Mad Magazine at some point in their life?

I ask you - who will the leaders of tomorrow learn from, if not from Al Jaffe, Mort Drucker, Don Martin, Jack Davis and Paul Coker? From whence will youngsters develop their much-needed sense of societal irreverence? Surely not from hours spent whacking hookers with a pipe in Grand Theft Auto XXVVI? I guess "South Park" sort-of fills the Mad satire void, and that's all well and good, but a kid can't roll up an issue of South Park and carry it around in his back pocket or pass it around the classroom to his buddies.

I'm going to go hug my Alfred E. Neuman statue now, and dream of a world cooler than this one.

Just to keep you in the loop

2009-01-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

So apparently The Hulk had sex, and his gamma seed found purchase in some presumably tough-as-nails woman's soil, and a baby was produced. Wanting a better life for their offspring far away from the violence and destruction that has followed The Hulk they decided to name him "Skaar" (I'm assuming he has a "scar" somewhere) and gave him swords and axes to play with and back issues of "Conan" to read before bedtime. I think The Hulk himself may be red instead of green now too.

Here endeth your update on all things Hulk.

I want

2009-01-28T06:39:00.000-08:00

I will pay a king's ransom* to the person who finds me one of these vintage "Any Which Way You Can" iron-ons. And yes, I do like that this iron-on is for the sequel. Because I find "Any Which Way" superior to "Every Which Way But Loose." Not only does it have Clint Eastwood singing (well, sorta) a duet with Ray Charles over the opening credits (the haunting and elegiac "Beers To You"), but he second is a far looser film, and with the characters already firmly established, is thus is free to plunge headlong into outright surrealism. The first film, although certainly goofy, hews a little too closely to reality at times for a movie about a bare-knuckle boxer with an orangutan sidekick. However, both unfortunately feature Sandra Locke singing.

*"King's ransom" is subject to definition by Blogfoot Inc and may be limited to a sincere "thanks" in the comments section.

Fire your research department

2009-01-23T07:58:00.001-08:00

So last week I was about to go to bed (growl!) when I noticed that the Biography Channel had a show on Andre the Giant coming up. My curiosity was piqued but I was sleepy, so I hit the ol' record button of the DVR. Well, I got around to watching it the other day and was shocked and chagrined to discover that no mention was made of Andre playing the Bionic Bigfoot on multiple episodes of "The Six Million Dollar Man" in the 70's.

This is fairly unforgivable. Although I appreciate the program dedicating a good portion of it's time to analyzing how much food and liquor Andre could consume, to leave out Bionic Bigfoot is just shabby journalism.

Speaking of "The Six Million Dollar Man" - why isn't that show out on DVD by now? All you can get are crummy bootleg DVDs at sci-fi conventions and blurry bit-torrents (my preferred format, as it's "more free" than the bootleg DVDs).

Anyway, I will now do what the cowards at Biography could / would not do: pay homage to Andre's Bionic Bigfoot.

Interesting inauguration factoid

2009-01-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

"Richard Nixon's 1973 inaugural parade route was lined with sick and dying pigeons after they ate repellent intended to make their feet itch."

Well, that's what they get for using G. Gordon Liddy-brand Pigeon Repellent. Thanks for making me aware of this, Minneapolis Star Tribune.

Leave her alone

2009-01-17T15:23:00.001-08:00

Here is a rather large, imposing snowman in the act of demanding a carrot from my wife. Dude is so big his hat is a traffic cone.

"Prisoner" update

2009-01-15T13:07:00.000-08:00

Want to watch full episodes of "The Prisoner", the Patrick McGoohan show whose virtues I did extol in Mr. McGoohan's obit just below? Sure you do, because it's cool.

Well, the good folks at AMC are streaming it online for free. How dope is that? Very dope, I can assure you. Check it out here.

Thanks, AMC!

Various images of interest from across the vast electronic ether

2009-01-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

First off, here's a poster for legendary German thespian Klaus Kinski's early 70's one-man show, where he toured as Jesus Christ and howled at audiences in a guttural fashion. Klaus's Jesus was apparently having none of that "turn the other cheek" nonsense.

I don't know about you, but seeing that playbill outside a theatre would make me whip out my wallet and hurl my money at the cashier. Then I would elbow other patrons out of the way and rush to my front row seat, chomping on my popcorn in rapt anticipation the whole time.

Next we have an old paperback book cover from 1968 for a hard-to-find Captain America novel (!). I like the old pulpy look - although I thought Cap always disdained guns. What I like is that the illustrator obviously got a model and shot reference photos (a common practice at the time), and made the guy wear underwear on the outside of his pants. It's a pretty sweet illustration though - and I'd love to read this book, but copies of it online start at $25, so no deal.

And finally we have some images from artist Michael Paulus, who boldly opines on what Charlie Brown's skeletal structure might look like, were he a creature of flesh-and-blood rather than ink.

Pretty neat. You can see more of Michael's work here.

That's all I have on my desktop right now. Thanks, interwebs!

Number Six has left us as well

2009-01-15T07:53:00.000-08:00

The Village has one less resident now, because Patrick McGoohan died today at the age of 80. He was the writer, producer and star of the 60's cult TV hit "The Prisoner," which is a strange and awesome show that melded spy fiction with science fiction, and if you haven't seen it you should Netflix it immediately.

He was in many films over the years (usually playing rather intense or sinister fellows) such as "Escape From Alcatraz", "Scanners" and "Silver Streak," among others. He was rumored to have turned down both the roles of both James Bond and The Saint and also directed episodes of the masterful "Columbo." Dang - that's quite the biography. Well done.

Farewell, sir

2009-01-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

Ricardo Montalban passed away today at the age old of 88. Whatever the cause, I'm sure he still managed to pass away suavely. Regular readers are no doubt aware of how revered "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" is here at the Blogfoot headquarters; this is due in no small part to Ricardo's straight-up awesome portrayal of a vengeance-obsessed genetic superman with a yen for quoting Melville.

I'm going to carry a swatch of rich, Corinthian leather around for the next week or so and occassionaly reach into my pocket to feel it's reassuring touch (all Lenny "Of Mice and Men"-style). It's the only tribute fitting enough for this man.

Chipolte now has an iphone app

2009-01-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

How on earth did I ever manage to procure, let alone enjoy, a burrito before? I was living a burrito lie.

A crow could probably do your job

2009-01-13T07:14:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, you have to sit through the Ultimate Fighting commercial to get to the crow video. Grandpa was right when he said "There ain't no such thing as free soup."

I would credit Double Viking for the video, but their giant superimposed logo already lingers over the screen during the entire thing.

***UPDATE*** Sorry, that video had to go. Now it was showing 2 Ultimate Fighting commercials before the crow video, plus it would start automatically every time the page loaded. What an ass pain.

The Ballad of Ron Gallagher

2009-01-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

If you're into cutting-edge comedy, you are no doubt familiar with the trailblazer known as Gallagher. If that name doesn't ring a bell, then allow me to deftly and with but a few bold strokes paint you a visual: he's the bald dude who sorta dresses like mime and smashes watermelons with a sledgehammer. And until Carrot Top's huge freckled arms wrested his crown away, he was the most popular prop comic ever.

And just in case I failed utterly in coaxing forth a visual from your addled brains, here he is (note: finding a nice establishing shot of this guy took about 7.8 times longer than you would think, because if you google "Gallagher" you mostly get pictures of the band Oasis):

And here is a description of his act, via wikipedia:

His signature sketch is the “Sledge-O-Matic,” a large wooden mallet that Gallagher uses to smash a variety of objects, including computer keyboards, containers of cottage cheese, cartons of chocolate milk tubes of toothpaste, pound cake ("I guess it does"), Big Macs, and, most famously, watermelons. Given the messy nature of this portion of his act, it is usually saved for the finale of his shows. Show attendees in the first two or three rows are usually provided with plastic sheeting for protection, and many fans bring their own additional protection (raincoats, umbrellas, and so on). Gallagher performs other prop-food gags including a demonstration of constipation using a jar of Jif peanut butter and an explanation of the difference between men and women using a sausage wrapped in a banana peel.

Can you imagine? The difference between men and women illustrated via a sausage wrapped in a banana peel? Stop - my side hurts!

So what, you say? How ballsy, picking on Gallagher? Normally you'd be right, and have senor Blogfoot at a loss. But not today. For keen readers will note that the title of this post is "The Ballad of Ron Gallagher." And the Gallagher we have been talking about is actually named Leo Gallagher. So what gives?

An epic tale of familial strife and betrayal to rival anything that ever leapt forth from Shakespeare's quill, that what gives.

You see, our famous comedian Leo Gallagher had a brother named Ron. Ron was unemployed. But one day Ron had an idea. And that idea was this (take it away, wikipedia):

At some point during the early 1990s, Gallagher’s younger brother Ron Gallagher asked Gallagher for permission to perform shows using Gallagher’s old routines, and also using Gallagher’s trademark Sledge-O-Matic routine. The idea was that Ron Gallagher, who was unemployed, would tour the country working small venues that couldn’t afford a show put on by Gallagher himself. Since Ron bears a strong familial resemblance to his older brother, the show would be almost like having a real Gallagher show.

Gallagher granted his blessing to his younger brother on the condition that Ron and his manager would make it clear in their promotional materials that it was Ron Gallagher, not Gallagher himself, that was putting on the show.

After a few years of complying with Gallagher’s conditions, Ron began blurring the line between his act and that of his brother. He would often promote his act as “Gallagher Too,” a moniker Gallagher felt was insufficiently informative. In some instances, Ron’s act was promoted in a way that provided no clue to prospective attendees that they were seeing someone other than Gallagher himself.

Gallagher initially attempted to get his brother to stop these activities by requesting that he stop using Gallagher’s well-known Sledge-O-Matic routine. These efforts proved futile, and Ron kept touring as “Gallagher Too” while using the Sledge-O-Matic routine his older brother had made famous. Consequently, in August 2000, Gallagher sued his brother for trademark violations and false advertising. The courts ultimately sided with Leo Gallagher, and an injunction was granted prohibiting Ron from performing any act that impersonates his brother in small clubs and venues.

During the lawsuit, all of Gallagher’s immediate family sided with Ron over the controversy. As a consequence, Gallagher is now estranged from his parents and siblings.

Wow. Now that my friends is what they call drama. Good ol' sturm and drang, doled out in fist-sized chunks. Just for comparisons sake, here is the real Gallagher:

And here is Ron (This picture was fairly hard to locate. Ron is apparently like Bigfoot, in that he he skillfully avoids being photographed):

You can see why the ploy worked. What would really be awesome is if Ron previously had no moustache, and in fact hated moustaches and thought they were dumb, but had to grow one in order to make coin off his brother.

I first read about this years ago, and somehow forgot about it. Then some co-workers and I were discussing Gallagher a couple of weeks ago and and a little research brought it all rushing back. Anyway - I'm sold. I want to make a movie about this saga. Even an "American Movie"-style documentary would be fine. I've already got the logo figured out. This could use some love, but the idea is basically this:

If you really wanted to get all conceptually crazy you could have the type sitting on a mass of pulped watermelon or something like that. Someone get going on refining that gem of an idea, and I'll look into camera rentals. At the very least we should be able to get a grant for a play out of this sordid tale.

Oh yeah, I have a blog

2009-01-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

Kinda forgot there for a while, it being the holidays and all. But I'm back on the case. I'm now going to scour my notes for some grist to post.

The Chuck Cunningham of advertising

2008-12-19T11:52:00.000-08:00

I'm wrapping up my last week or so at my agency, and today we had the third of a series of big presentations for a re-launch of a soda brand for a large soft-drink magnate (hint: #2). I was the CD / copywriter on the account, and wrote everything. But for round 3, due to my leaving, I was not included. I led the round 1 and round 2 presentations, and had gone to research groups and strategy sessions with the client, but have to assume that no mention was made of my absence. I was simply not there anymore. Maybe it occurred to someone, but most likely went unexpressed. Just like Mr. Chuck Cunningham, booted uncermoniously from "Happy Days" after it's debut season. Then again, at least Chuck was given the back story of being given a college basketball scholarship, which would partially explain his absence to viewers willing to fill in the blanks.

Speaking of Chuck Cunningham, did you know that he was played by two different actors during the one season he was allowed to exist in the "Happy Days" universe? It's true. he was played by both Gavan O'Herlihy and Randolph Roberts, household names both. Even sweeter, Mr. O' Herlihy (Hmmm...Irish perhaps?) went on to play the reverse-mohawked gang leader in "Death Wish 3," one of the finest movies of all time as far as the blogfoot staff is concerned. It's a small world, as they say.

Vintage pacifist science fiction

2008-12-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

No conquering. Just wondering. I have no ray-gun or other futuristic weapon, so do not fear - you will not be reduced to a smoldering pile of grue. I just want to contemplate my alien surroundings for a while. To sit here in my spacesuit and genuflect, and look back on a life of challenges met, goals achieved, and opportunities lost.

I was like a hyena

2008-12-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

Before: a 48 oz double porterhouse

After: a large bone

This gastronomic assault was perpetrated at Manny's here in Minneapolis, a venerable steakhouse. Being fancy, they had no "I Ate All 48 oz's" t-shirt to reward me with, but our waiter was impressed enough to bequeath unto me a Manny's servers jacket, which I wore with pride.

*Special Blogfoot tip: when you give notice at your job and are in the last week or so of servitude, but sure to tag along for a free dinner with the client and order the $100 steak. I promise you that afterward you will swell with pride. And meat.

What the?

2008-12-11T13:16:00.000-08:00

Here's a pic of old package of Kellogg's OKs, which according to the tagline on the box is a "Br-r-awny new cereal." At least it was when it was foisted upon a yawning public back in the 1950's.

That's all well and good. But I can't figure out what the story is with their mascot. Who is he? What is he? A friend and I studied his visage for a bit and came up with two possibilities.

The Kellogg's OKs mascot / character is:

A.) a Scottish Lumberjack Genie

B.) a Scottish Gypsy Hercules

The Tartan plaid present in the logo and his sash clearly indicate a Scottish bent. But the bells on the wristband, the rakishly open-collared shirt and pheasant feathers in a hat of indiscriminate regional origin defy any attempts to pin down this gent's backstory.

Them, in a bolt of inspiration and insight, I remembered that I was writing this on a computer that was linked up to the web. One google search later, we had our answer. This dude's name is...Big Otis. And this is what Big Otis is all about:

Big Otis is the brawny Scotsman who loves his sugar-coated oats. "I am the big oat man from Scotland. And OKs are made of oats. These new Kellogg's OKs are the biggest thing that's happen to Oats in 25 years. They are on their way to being the new favorite of kids and adults everywhere. Here's the meat of the oats in it's tenderest, tastiest form. Flavored as only Kellogg's knows how. OKs are rich in special oat protein. Aye, and OKs oats come to breakfast tasting better than you've ever imagined. They're K - E - Double L - O - Double Good!"

"Big Otis." I didn't know Otis was a Scottish name. If pressed I would have guessed that it had it's origins in the Ozarks or something. I guess you learn something new every day. And what of Big Otis? Well, within a couple years he was unceremoniously relieved of his spokesperson duties in favor of Yogi Bear, and consigned to the dustbin of history. Such is life in the cereal world.

The secret to being happy

2008-12-09T12:55:00.001-08:00

Actually, I don't know what the secret to being happy is. But I can tell what it is not. It is not zooming around the internet during your lunch hour and reading a bunch of articles about the economic crisis we are in and getting the creeping sensation that things are a lot worse than people are letting on. Just sayin'.

Things Mad Magazine has taught me, pt. 1

2008-12-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

If you vomit, a fish skeleton is going to come flying out of your mouth, regardless if you've eaten fish or not.

Uncle Forry has gone to the grave

2008-12-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

Forrest J. Ackerman, who entertained and influenced a legion of monster movie lovers via his seminal "Famous Monsters of Filmland" magazine throughout the 60's and 70's, has died in Los Angeles at the age of 92.

Ackerman, a childhood (and lifelong) friend of genre legends Ray Bradbury and Ray Harryhausen, is also generally credited with coining the term "sci-fi," and also famous for the huge collection of science fiction and horror movie props and memorabilia he amassed over the years, even letting fans come into his "Ackermansion" in Hollywood to check out the merchandise.

Ackerman launched "Famous Monsters" in 1958, and the black & white magazine, with it's awesomely painted covers (many by the master Basil Gogos), quickly became a favorite of young boys, and along with Saturday afternoon showings of horror movies on TV, spurred the horror boom of the time. The magazine featured stories about horror films, make-up and special effects and the actors featured in the films, exposing legends like Boris Karloff, Vincent Price and Bela Lugosi to a new generation of fans. It was very behind the scenes for the time and was pretty influential, with young fans including Stephen King, Rick Baker, John Landis and Steven Spielberg, among others.

It probably goes without saying that as a kid I thought this magazine ruled. Anytime I saw it at the store I would instantly pester my parents to buy it. Being a magazine it was more expensive than a comic book and thus was a tougher proposition, but I still managed to get my mitts on many issues, despite my mothers distaste of the lurid covers. And, true to form, I still have a nice little wrinkled stack of those same issues.

Dr. Acula (as he referred to himself in the mag; Ackerman loved puns) eventually managed to acquire over 300,000 items in his collection of memorabilia, and he had awesome stuff - including Lugosi's Dracula cape, Mr. Spock's ears, a martian ship from "war of the Worlds," stop-motion armatures from "King Kong" and "Mighty Joe Young" and even the paper plate used by Ed Wood as a flying saucer in 'Plan 9 From Outer Space." Holy cow.

Ackerman spent his later years giving tours of his house, but also sadly fighting for the ownership rights of his magazine, because some dickhead / ass-face partner of his that came aboard in the late 80's managed to swindle them away from him. Regardless, he was without a doubt a seminal influence on the genre and early force in establishing the now-familiar concept of "fandom." His passing is a sad occasion to genre fans, and he will be missed.

Zzzzzz..huh...wuzzat?

2008-12-02T15:09:00.000-08:00

As I'm writing this I'm sitting in a Chicago office building watching focus groups talk about soda packaging. Even better, someone turned off the lights in the observation room so it's nice and dark. Awesome. Now let's crank up the heat, bring on the turkey and wine and tuck me in for the night.

On the bright side, there's only 5 hours to go.

From hell's heart Hulk stab at thee

2008-11-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

I saw this while reading Flog! (the Fantagraphics blog) and it tugged at my heartstrings: it's 2 pages from a circa 1979 issue of "The Incredible Hulk" in which the jade giant learns a valuable lesson about...helping beached whales, I guess. I'm sure you'll agree that the panel in which he sees his own rage-fueled visage in the reflection of the helpless whale's eye is graphic storytelling at it's most gripping and powerful.

As always, click to embiggen.

wtf?

2008-11-27T12:31:00.001-08:00

It's Thanksgiving. I'm sure it is. The calendar says so, I didn't have to go to work, my wife served up a turkey, and there was a big parade on TV this morning.

And yet - I can find no James Bond marathon on TV. I've repeatedly scoured the DirecTV listings, to no avail. Is nothing sacred?

Khaaaaaaaaan!

2008-11-25T08:25:00.000-08:00

Today is Ricardo Montalban's 88th birthday. You may remember him as Mr. Rourke in "Fantasy Island," but he'll always be Khan Noonien Singh to me.

And, because it never gets old, I strongly urge you to click here.

This make me very happy

2008-11-19T18:03:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the magic of you tube and a Milwaukeean that still owns a VCR, I am able to relive and share with you a fine commercial from my adolescence. My friends and I used to howl at this spot when it aired constantly on weekday afternoons way back in 1981. Enjoy.

Why was I looking for this? What - you've never gone to you tube and entered "sulu transit commercial?" Liar.

Actually, if you'll cast your weary gaze up this blog's masthead, you'll notice it contains a quote from the commercial. I like to change up the subheads frequently ("Keep 'em guessin!" I always say), and the other day this popped into my head and I wrote in in there. Then tonight I thought "I can't be the only one who remembers this commercial, can I?" Turns out I was not the only one.

Thank you, interwebs. Thank you very much.

Hey, nobody said obliterating existence as we know it in the blink of an eye was going to be cheap

2008-11-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

Full story here.

Cosell redux

2008-11-16T14:55:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the Packers / Bears game on the radio today, when I heard former Packer and "color" guy Larry McCarren refer to the Packers offensive line after a successful running play as "a human phalanx."

Nice. The wife and I looked at each other and laughed fairly hard. Now I don't want to speak for Larry, but I'm assuming he was referring to the rectangular mass military formation that originated from ancient Greek warfare, and not the bone structure of the human hands and feet, or The Lebanese Kataeb Party (Kataeb is Arabic for Phalanx), nor the North American Phalanx, a utopian community organized on proto-communist Fourierist principles.

Then again, Maybe Larry was channeling dear, departed Howard? A fella can dream, can't he?

Getting in touch with your inner chimp

2008-11-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

So you've probably been asking yourself: how can I transform myself into a chimpanzee version of Abe Lincoln for Halloween? It's simple - provided you possess skill, diligence and the willingness to sit there for a couple of hours basically gluing hunks of foam latex onto your face.

First, I started with a lightweight foam latex chimpanzee facial appliance I found on the internet for $45. This was a pretty lightweight, detailed, nicely-made appliance.

A facial appliance is not a full-head mask, as you can plainly see above. Instead, it is made of flexible, lightweight foam latex, which allows for detail, movement and actor expression. The edges are fairly thin to allow blending to the skin. In Hollywood make-up has been done like this for decades, and in fact, this appliance is very similar to what John Chambers used on "Planet of the Apes."

Then, I found a pair of monkey ears at another website for $7. These were sorta rubbery and cheap.

The appliance came as one whole piece, but the night before I cut it into 3 pieces: the brow, the muzzle and the chin. I did this to allow for greater facial movement and to allow for less stress on the spirit gum adhesive, knowing that I was going to be wearing it for the night (I wore the applied piece for about 8 hours). Also, in my "Making Of Planet of the Apes" book, pictures show the on-set appliances cut up in this fashion, so I reasoned it was a good idea. Before cutting it into section though, I pre-painted the piece in order to get greater detail in the wrinkles and also so that I was putting less stress on the pieces once they were affixed. Getting the ears to match color-wise was a pain, as they were already painted dark and made of a different material than the facial appliance, so the make-up looked different on them. But I managed to make it work.

The next day I applied the 3 sections using spirit gum. I did the brow first, then the nose / muzzle / cheek portion, and then the chin. I then used layers of liquid latex to hide any seams and blend the outer edges to my face.

Then I applied make-up to my skin, blending it to match the pre-painted appliance. Then I stuck on my beard and donned the Abe Lincoln tunic and hat (the beard, hat and topcoat-shirt-tunic thing came together as an "Abe Lincoln in a bag" costume for $35), and presto - Ape Lincoln was born.

There you have it. I really enjoyed doing it, as "Planet of the Apes" has been an obsession of mine since I was a wee lad. And the pieces moved really well together - I was able to drink many beers easily (using a straw), and even managed to eat nachos and two corn dogs. And undergoing this whole process, which allowed me to accurately duplicate something that landed with a thud in my young brain and never left, cemented a certain thought in my head. And that thought is this:

The world has never been in a shittier state, but it has never been greater, either.

What I mean by that is: War, famine and strife seem to be our constant companions. Our economy is in the crapper. Weather systems grow increasingly more extreme, harsh and destructive. Greed runs rampant and colors our every move, and our government rushes to bail-out bankers who made stupid decisions of their own accord while the ranks of the homeless, unemployed and uninsured swell. And yet - I can click a button on my computer, and for a mere $45 someone will mail me a foam facial appliance of a chimpanzee that utilizes the same technology that somebody used to win an Academy Award with back in 1969. Amazing.

Ape Lincoln

2008-11-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

Torn from today's election season headlines and just in time for Halloween, a stately Ape Lincoln showed up in the Blogfoot offices last week. He pressed the flesh and delivered a uplifting stump speech, gently assuring us that life for humans under his rule on Planet of the Abes wouldn't be so bad (click on pics to embiggen).

Some politicians kiss babies, Ape Lincoln hugs puppies.

Later I will post more pics, revealing just how I skillfully brought this creation to staggering life for a mere $100 or so.

This is not a can of paint

2008-11-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

You could be forgiven for thinking that it was paint. It certainly looks like a gallon of high-quality, weather-resistant enamel. But no - this is a large can of cheese. Liquid cheese in a giant coffee can, as poured over nachos at a Halloween party I attended the other night. Yum.

Halloween trademark dodge #1309

2008-10-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

Spied this yesterday at a store - the "Disc Jockey Wig."

No disc jockey in particular - just your average, everyday disc jockey. It is certainly not meant to be a famous "shock jock" popular for the sexual and scatological content of his nationally-syndicated morning program. Nope. Put away your legal writs, litigious-minded lawyer-types - this is just a plain old ordinary disc jockey.

Thirsty? Filled with rage? Try a Kinski Brau.

2008-10-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

These days the beer industry is awash with brands spewing forth pointless positioning phrases like "superior drinkability" and "cold filtering" and the like. All these qualities are bunk. What a man really wants in a beer is good old-fashioned gestalt.

It is for these mercurial, insane and Teutonic-skewing men that we make Kinski Brau.

Created in tribute to the legendary German thespian / madman Klaus Kinski, Kinski Brau is hand-crafted in small batches, primarily because it's makers are given to fits of rage and cannot stay calmly on task for too long.

This copper-colored brew has a pleasant hop aroma and is the perfect fuel for screaming at your director or haranguing audiences, photographers and fans. As venomous invectives fly forth from your snarling, foam-flecked lips, you will find yourself beguiled by the beer's assured yet-not-overpowering taste. Your eyes will bulge from their sockets as your mood careens wildly from lustful joy to murderous rage in the flash of an instant, and you will remark, in the form of some sort of sneered insult barked in your guttural native tongue, of how well this lager goes with various boiled meats.

Fall is the perfect time to enjoy a batch of our fine brew, whether you are consumed with raking the leaves, completely obliterating a hotel room, or hatching a murderous plot to kill one of your long-time collaborators. We'd like to think Klaus himself would enjoy a couple bottles of our carefully crafted beer, most likely before cracking the empty bottles over our heads. We encourage you - no, scratch that - we demand that all you schweinekopf try a bottle of Kinski Brau today.

Kinski Brau is a product of Blogfoot Brewery, Saint Anthony, MN

Chimp + Segway = Magic

2008-10-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

And to elevate this clip to even more dizzying heights, the chimp is wearing overalls.

I've got to hand it to the chimp - he figured it out pretty quick. Some might criticize his dismount technique, but I applaud his classic "abandon ship!" approach.

Less is more

2008-10-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

Here is a sublime piece of package design I spied today whilst shopping for some Halloween supplies. I required no false facial hair, but the $1.29 price tag and elegant graphics nonetheless caused me to part with me hard-earned cutter.

It looks less like a package and more like a vintage pamphlet warning youths about the dangers of tramp beards. I would be certainly be interested in reading such a hand-out, as well as it's harrowing companion volume "Vagrant Moustaches."

I smell a top-selling calendar

2008-10-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Here's a couple of pictures that would make even the toughest whale-hunting, baby-seal-bludgeoning seaman grow misty-eyed.

I think the calendar should be called "Hugs 2009." Ideas like this are why I get paid the big bucks, people.

That second picture is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. That is pure, unadulterated, straight-up joy right there. It makes one wonder: can chimps giggle? And if so, what does said giggling sound like? I know they hoot and screech when excited, but this picture says "giggle" more than "hoot and screech.". Kudos to Cute Overload for bringing these pics to light.

Good stuff

2008-10-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to say much about this except that it's from Robert Smiegel's "TV Funhouse" show that was on Comedy Central and that it has a premise that is very close to genius.

Can I inquire as to where you got that charming lawn jockey?

2008-10-16T06:23:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was sitting at work, pecking away at my computer on a pitch that I've generously been given a whole day to come up with concepts for, when I heard the ding of an incoming email. I opened my email program and saw that it was a mass email from some people I know in Cedarburg, Wisconsin who are always passing along "funny" emails to their friends.

These people were good friends of my now-deceased father. Their kids loved him, and when he was sick they went over and helped him out with things, checked on him, ran errands, etc. Their help was invaluable, especially seeing as how I lived in another state. They've also been very nice to me over the years and have always seemed like nothing but kind, decent people.

Usually their email attachments are of the typical dumb email variety that clog this great internet of ours on a daily basis - purported photos of giant cats, fat people, anti-Chicago bears jokes, etc. But I knew I was in for a wild ride when I saw the subject line that read "The Next Air Force One."
I was fairly certain this wasn't going to be a jab at McCain, but even I, as cynical as I am, was unprepared for the image that greeted me upon opening the email (FYI - I wrestled with whether or not to even post this on my blog and thereby be complicit in continuing it's exposure, but ultimately I decided that such things must sometimes be seen to be believed).

Are you ready, Amos and Andy fans? Here goes (click to embiggen).

Yow. Now I think we can all agree that this is unforgivably racist, unfunny, inappropriate, etc (not to mention that it swiped artwork from a Curious George book). But what also lept out at me was that it's creator was so proud of his efforts, so sure that he had created something that would spread like wildfire, that his signed his work! Scott Seibert, you are a thick-headed dullard and most likely beyond any sort of human redemption, but I must say that you have ginormous balls. Without a doubt they are larger than your walnut-sized brain. Now f*#k off.

Terrific

2008-10-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

The national debt clock near Times Square ran out number spaces yesterday. I guess they can always tape up sheets of paper next to it. At this point I'm not even sure why we bother keeping track. A number such as this is so abstract that they may as well just tack up a Pollock painting in it's stead.

In related news, I've dug a moat around my property, planted a garden and bought a shotgun. So be warned: even if you and your hungry family make it past the alligators, I will shoot you before you can ravage my carrot crop.

Choose your zombie fate

2008-10-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

Here's a nice little interactive zombie movie - you choose the way the story progresses by selecting one of two options, you go the next scene, repeat, etc. It's "Dragon's Lair" meets "Night of the Living Dead."

Click here to "Survive The Outbreak"...if you dare! And you probably do dare, seeing as how you're no-doubt looking to kill more time at work.

I thought this was a fairly high-quality effort. But I must take umbrage with the fact that as someone well-versed in zombie lore, I feel that there was some inaccurate developments. Specifically, when I granted the sweet release of death to a man wounded by a zombie bite by shooting him in the head, or left a hobbled, injured person to their fate, I was punished by the game - ie; attacked and killed by zombies.

This doesn't cut the mustard in my book. Everyone knows that anyone bitten by a zombie is going to become a zombie themselves and be a sure-fire threat down the road. And a wounded person is straight-up unnecessary ballast - they will slow you down and almost certainly get killed anyway, and most likely doom you in the process. So, to re-cap: Leave the wounded behind, and shoot any bitten people in the head. You have my permission to do the same to me in the case of a zombie outbreak (although my natural quickness, penchant for snug clothing and close-cropped hair will give me a huge edge when it comes to escaping the grasping clutches of a zombie horde).

Perfection

2008-09-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

I found this on the web but it wasn't credited, so I don't know from what great mind it sprang. But I do know that it rules.

Paul Newman 1925 - 2008

2008-09-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

"I wanted to acknowledge luck. The beneficence of it in many lives and the brutality of it in the lives of others, especially children, who might not have a lifetime to make up for it."

-Paul Newman, on his style of low-key philanthropy

He was a great-looking movie star who eschewed traditional leading-man roles in favor of playing heels and anti-heroes and became an icon for it. He was a fine actor who was nominated for 10 Academy Awards and even as he aged continued to turn in tremendous performances (1982's "The Verdict" and 1994's "Nobody's Fool," a movie that reminds me very much of my pop, come to mind.). In the span of 4 years he managed to make 3 films that started with the letter "H" - "Hud," "Harper," "Hombre." He was reportedly thrilled when he found that he had made #19 on Richard Nixon's famous enemies list in the 70's for his political views. He was an accomplished racer of cars and managed to remain married to the same woman for 50 years, once famously remarking "Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?" As simply an actor and one of cinema's all-time great movie stars, his life would certainly be memorable and worthy of remembrance.

But Newman took things up a notch. In 1980 or so he and a friend got the idea that his homemade salad dressing, which he bottled and gave out as Christmas presents to friends and neighbors, could do some good in the world via his celebrity. Thus was born "Newman's Own" line of food products (Mrs. Blogfoot has never gotten over the fact that I prefer Newman's delicious "Marinara" spaghetti sauce to her mother's recipe). With a company motto of "Shameless Exploitation in Pursuit of the Common Good," this company has donated all of it's after-tax profits to charities, an amount that to date is estimated to be be over $250 million dollars. Relief efforts, schools, and arts & humanities have all benefited, but a good chunk of it goes to his "Hole In The Wall Gang" camps. Named after his gang in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid", the camps are a place where children with life-threatening diseases can attend free of charge and forget about being sick and just be kids for a while.

Did he do this for publicity? Hardly. In fact, he turned down a proposed commendation from President Clinton in the 90's for his efforts. As former camp counselor Dahlia Lithwick writes on Slate.com:

"In an era in which nearly everyone feels entitled to celebrity and fortune, Newman was always suspicious of both. He used his fame to give away his fortune, and he did that from some unspoken Zen-like conviction that neither had ever really belonged to him in the first place."

Plus, he ate 50 eggs. Nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Well said

2008-09-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

Legendary investor Warren Buffet on the subject of gold and the world's obsession with acquiring and basing currency on it:

"It gets dug out of the ground in Africa, or someplace. Then we melt it down, dig another hole, bury it again and pay people to stand around guarding it. It has no utility. Anyone watching from Mars would be scratching their head."

I like every word in this quote. But I especially like the "...or someplace" part.

Ye Gods

2008-09-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

If you tried to envision the most terrifying headline you might possibly see today, you'd probably think that said headline would have something to do with the current economic crisis, or that some crazed dictator has the nuke, or that Al Queda has struck again.

But you'd be wrong.

"Let me ask you this: Does it have to be a whale? Wouldn't an airplane-sized shark be scarier?"

2008-09-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

Ain't' It Cool News is reporting that some visionaries in Hollywood are gearing up to make a new, big-budget version of Herman Melville's classic "Moby Dick." Except of course, that they are determined to change it in order to make it more palatable to today's moronic audiences.

"Our vision isn't your grandfather's version of 'Moby Dick,'" said screenwriter Adam Cooper. "This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at it's core is an action-adventure story."

Well Adam, at it's core 'Moby Dick" is actually a symbolic and metaphorical examination of man's hubris, obsession and futile attempts to control his fate and impart his will on nature, set against a backdrop of the whaling industry that was so vital to our growing nation at the time. But whatever.

The story goes on to say "The writers revere Melville's original text, but their graphic novel-style version will change the structure."

This means they will attempt to cram a hot chick in there somewhere.

"Gone is the first-person style narration by the young seaman Ishmael..."

Makes sense. He was only the vessel through which the reader understands and interprets the story.

"This change will allow them to depict the whale's decimation of other ships prior to to it's encounter with Ahab's Pequod..."

Translation: "We're going to rip off "Jaws" as much as legally possible. And there will be plenty of unconvincing CGI."

"...and Ahab will be depicted more as a charismatic leader than a brooding obsessive."

This also makes sense. Why would someone who had their leg bitten off by a whale waste time and energy brooding, or be obsessive? In fact, can we ditch that whole peg-leg thing? No A-list actor is going to want to waddle around on a peg-leg. It's just not very sexy. Instead, maybe he just has a scar on his face? Not too big, though - a tasteful scar. And now that I think of it - that title. "Moby Dick?" A sperm whale named Dick? Come on - kids are going to laugh at that. Maybe we could change it. Something like - "Leviathan"? No , too highbrow. Maybe..."White Death"? Well, we've got time to hash all that out. Can someone see if Brett Ratner is available?

Yikes

2008-09-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Columnist Gregg Easterbrook points out the following dreary fact in his fine "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" column on espn.com:

"It took the United States 209 years, from the founding of the republic till 1998, to compile the first $5 trillion in national debt. In the decade since, $6 trillion in debt has been added. This means the United States has borrowed more money in the past decade than in all our previous history combined. "

Yikes indeed.

It's that time of year again

2008-09-19T07:07:00.001-07:00

Am I referring to the forthcoming fall equinox? No, nothing so pedestrian. Instead, I am speaking of the birth anniversary of none other than Mr. Adam West. Mr. West turns 80 years young today. He is akin to a god.

ibong

2008-09-17T11:03:00.001-07:00

I saw this photo on some other blog that I forgot to bookmark, so I can't credit them. Sorry, dudes. But what we have here are a couple of visionaries who decided that they didn't want to just thoughtlessly add to one of our nation's ever-growing landfills, so they took their old mac and made a "tobacco" pipe out of it. Well done, gents. I also like that one guy took pains to conceal his identity while the other stared brazenly into the camera. And, for the final flourish, all this went down in a purple room.

Thud

2008-09-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

That's the sound of the Dow dropping 500 points the other day. Well done, Wall Street. So much for deregulation. But I must admit, it's pretty clever how you've managed to socialize risk but privatize profit.

It's deja vu all over again

2008-09-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

"I was defined as the insider [in New Hampshire], and those days are over. I'm going to make it very clear to the voters of this state who Mr. Outsider is and who Mr. Insider is."

-George Bush referring to John McCain, 2000.

To communicate his new maverick image, Bush then adopted the slogan "A Reformer With Results." Now McCain and his Creatonism-favoring running mate are sounding the same horn.

Since we're all just going to buy this sack full of malarky and pretend that the last 8 years never happened, I'd like to tell you about this great new song I heard: it's called "Who Let The Dogs Out?" and it's by a hot new band called the Baha Men. It's utterly infectious, and I'm convinced these guys have the talent that will stand the test of time.

We're not out of the woods yet

2008-09-10T14:23:00.001-07:00

OK, so turning on the Large Hadron Collider early this morning didn't create a black hole that sucked in everything in it's path.

Yet, that is.

It is my understanding that right now the LHC is only firing particles in one direction, and things won't actually start colliding for a month or so. Once that starts, the feared-but-unlikely black hole could manifest at any time. So if you're sitting on the couch minding your own business sometime in October and suddenly your perception of time slows down and everything looks all rubbery and stretched out, prepare to be winked out of existence.

And what would that be like? Well, charmingly enough, something like this:

"Your body would be shredded apart into the smallest possible pieces. Neil deGrasse Tyson, director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History, who wrote the definitive account Death by Black Hole, imagined the experience as "the most spectacular way to die in space."

Thanks, Neil. I'm going to head home and tightly clutch my teddy bear now.

Say your prayers, hug the wife and kids, etc

2008-09-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

Because tomorrow some scientists deep underground on the border between France and Switzerland are going to fire up the world's largest particle accelerator, and once they do, we could all perish within seconds. Intended to allow these foolhardy eggheads to learn how the universe was formed by analyzing particle collisions, some fear that the accelerator could accidentally create a black hole that will suck up everything around it. In other words - you, me and everything we hold dear.

The scientists called such fears "baloney." I don't know about you, but I like that guys smart enough to conceive, design, build and operate a particle accelerator the size of a small city still use words like "baloney." Brings them down to our level.

But the most terrifying part of the article to my eyes was the following: "(the accelerator) even has a rap dedicated to it on YouTube." Brrrr - such words chill the bones.

More about the impending apocalypse here. Been nice knowin' ya!

Violent coffee commercials from the 50's with muppets

2008-09-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

On the most recent episode of "Mad Men," the agency was pitching a large coffee account that wanted to reach a younger demographic. A mention was made of a failed previous attempt that featured puppets. Well, a little digging reveals that lo and behold, such a thing did exist.

These were done on the 50's for Wilkins Coffee, and featured muppets courtesy of a young Jim Henson. They are strangely violent, especially for the era:

These would be fun scripts to write:

MUPPET #1: Hey, do you like coffee?

MUPPET #2: No.

SFX: Blam! (Muppet #1 kills Muppet #2 with cannon).

Ah, the good old days.

And another thing

2008-09-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

Something else that has struck me as odd this week is another shrill refrain from all the RNC speeches: that the GOP believes in smaller government, that the GOP will reduce the size of the government, etc.

Well, consider this: the last time a Republican president left office with a smaller government than when he went in, it was the 1950's.

The GOP does not believe in or engender small government. The GOP likes the government to have no say in how businesses are run or regulated, but that's a whole different story.

That's the last of my scorching political commentary for now. I'll go back to posting Scooby-Doo clips.

I'm confused

2008-09-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

Various blustery and strident speeches made during the Republican National Convention that has blighted my city this week have all had a common theme: Republicans are going to change things! No more politics as usual! Throw out the political elite and bring in some outsiders to shake things up!

I find this fairly interesting, seeing as how we've had a Republican President for the last 8 years and Republicans controlled the House and the Senate until January of 2007. So - what they are offering is change from...themselves?

An interesting strategy. I would say that voters would see right through it, except that these same voters twice-elected a privileged moron (who failed in every business venture he undertook but kept getting new opportunities due to his father's political power and connections) and were willing to swallow the image of this same mope as a salt-of-the-earth, God-fearing Texan who toiled ceaselessly to clear brush from his land.

Should be an interesting election season.

Dang

2008-09-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

Singer, songwriter, actor and good ol' boy Jerry Reed died Monday at the age of 71. He starred with Burt Reynolds in "Smokey & The Bandit" and also wrote & performed the movie's famous theme song "East Bound and Down" (You know you know the words..."East Bound and down, loaded up and truckin', we gonna do what they say can't be done....").

He wrote songs for Elvis and Dean Martin, popped in on "Hee Haw", had a big hit in the early 70's with his novelty song "When You're Hot, You're Hot" (a personally adhered-to philosophy that we here at Blogfoot believe shapes the world in untold and myriad ways) and, lest we forget, even co-starred on "Scooby-Doo":

Jeez - would have it have killed the animators to fill in some more of the seats in concert scene? Things looked pretty sparse there.

Anyway, here's hoping you got that truckload of Coors where it needed to go, Jerry.

Ice-skating chimps

2008-08-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

That's right: ice-skating chimps.

The website incorrectly labels them as ice-skating monkeys, but they are in error. Chimpanzees aren't monkeys. They're apes.

Anyway. Ice-skating chimps right here. My favorite moment? Right around the 1:10 mark. It involves a rope.