Monday, December 18, 2006

You people make me sick

What the hell is the matter with you, public at large? Have you no gray matter? Is there not a speck of intelligence buried beneath your thick skulls?

I speak of course, of this weekends box office tally, which grimly reveals that "The Pursuit of Happyness", Will Smith's transparent attempt to net an Academy Award nomination ("Oscar bait" as they say), was #1 at the box office, with a 3-day haul of $27 million.

Listen, I know the general population is stupid. I held my tongue when "Dancing With The Stars" pulled in big ratings. And I've always felt that picking on "American Idol" was going after low-hanging comedy fruit, as deserving of evisceration as that program and the people who watch it may be.

But my tongue can be held no longer. So I must break it down for you.

Here goes.

Will Smith stinks. His movies stink. His 'music' stinks. His performance as Muhammad Ali stunk. It's true. It was no better a Muhammed Ali impersonation than any semi-drunk guy at a party can do. And I'm including white guys. What's that? You say he was nominated for an Oscar for that? So what?! Anyone who stars in a biopic gets nominated for an Oscar these days. And you're going to hold up the Academy Awards as a symbol of quality? You're referring to the same Oscars that never saw fit to grant one of their worthless trophies to Hitchcock, Kubrick or Scorcese, right? I thought so.

And if Mr. Smith wasn't bad enough, now we have to deal with his son! That's right, his son was his co-star in this dreck! And now you've made his progeny a star! Do you know what you've done? Do you understand what you've unleashed?

Listen up. you mopes. If you like Will Smith, see his movies or buy his music, stop reading my blog. Take your time-killing elsewhere. I'd sooner have a readership comprised of Joseph Mengele, David Berkowitz and anyone who's ever lived at The Spahn Ranch than Will Smith fans.


Shad Petosky said...

That movie sure looks inspiring. A father gives his all to bring his son out of poverty. I know you have it in for Will Smith for turning his back on DJ Jazzy Jeff, but his signature "ug-ung sheesh" smile washes my cares away. Look, we all know that if this movie was actually based on a true story the father would escape his poverty through Jim Beam over Dean Witter but you're looking for the wrong marks of quality. Both he and his real life son are ACTING not-wealthy. He deserves the Oscar. Granted, it's tough to act not-wealthy for more than an hour so the storyline probably has him getting back to rich, but hopefully not too soon. Julia Roberts got an Oscar for acting not-wealthy all the way until the very last scene of Erin Brockovich, Pursuit of Happiness is a shorter flick, but I think Will over-all acts more not-wealthier plus he's black so it stings more. I hope he when he gets his Oscar his son gets a little one like they did for Snow White.

BlogFoot said...

Not content to ruin Asimov's "I, Robot" he is now currently filming a sure-to-be-addled adaption of
Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend", one of my fav sci-fi books. It concerns the only man on earth left untouched by a plague that has turned everyone else into nocturnal fiends.

I'm confident that at one point in the movie Mr. Smith will be corned by some of the sorta-monsters
and utter his famous "Aw, hell no!" sorta-street rebuttal that white audiences seem to enjoy so much.

This book was previously ruined by Charleton Heston in "The Omega Man" and less-offensively but not super-excitingly filmed as 'The Last Man on Earth" with Vincent Price. This book can't catch a break.

Jamie Baker said...

"Low hanging comedy fruit" is my new favourite phrase. i am going to use it daily

BlogFoot said...

Glad to hear it!

Mister Tan said...

You forgot another one his great tag lines- "I GOT to get me one of these!!!"

Anonymous said...

All I want to know is where were you when the nation fell in love with animated penguins captivate the world with a little soft shoe. Utter puke with a story line paper thin even to my three year old daughter.
On the subject of Matheson's "I Am Legend" lets not forget the sub-par comic version delivered in goth style a couple years back. Books are not film and never will be

blogfoot bro said...

You dare diss The Omega Man, don't forget, Heston's brave choice to pursue a relationship with a black woman in that film did more for social equality than Rosa Parks ever could. Think of the times in was done in. This movie practically started the free love movement.

Shad Petosky said...

Will Smith's "I Am Legend" will have him stand alone against hordes of nocturnal "Hataz"

It starts here.