Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Late-breaking Freemason news

Did you ever wonder what happened to Bronson Pinchot, aka "Balki" on the 80's sitcom "Perfect Strangers?" No? Me neither. Nontheless, we are presenting this story hot off the newswire. It appears that as of late, Bronson has done more than just sexually harass (clumsily, I might add) women on VH1's "The Surreal Life." Indeed, he has been conferred the degrees of a Freemason, the esoteric fraternity of dudes who practice strange handshakes and shared beliefs such as secretive metaphysical ideals, the exclusion of women, and the existence of a "Supreme Being" that each member defines according to their own beliefs. Whatever that means.

You can read all about it here. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm afraid that I must now go resign my membership in protest.

"We hunger for living flesh. And punitive damages."

Longtime readers of this hard-hitting newsblog may remember us blowing the lid off the story of the Minneapolis zombies who were dancing in public and arrested "for simulating weapons of mass destruction" back in July of this year (If not, I believe
I just described the situation in enough detail for you to catch up). Well, the zombies are back. And this time, they're accompanied by creatures even more terrfying than themselves: lawyers!

That's right: the zombies are suing, claiming that "the city of Minneapolis and Hennepin County violated their free rights and discriminated against them." And believe me, the zombies won't stop suing. They'll keep coming and coming. They're relentless. They usually inflict pain and suffering, but now they seek compensation for it. It's enough to make your skin crawl!

Click here for the story and for mugshots of the zombies.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Blogfoot's Handy Holiday Gift Guide (or B.H.H.G.G. for short)

There's no denying it: the holiday season is upon us, people. Which means it's time for you to shell out some of your hard-earned gold ingots for the people you care about, or even may not care much about. To help you wade through the morass of choices, we have combed the internet to bring you gifts off the beaten path that will delight and amuse recipients of all ages and mental capacities.

First up is...Bubo the mechanical owl! Yes, that's right: this lame character from the 1981 howler (apologies to Ray Harryhausen, whom I love and revere)"Clash of the Titans" can now sit atop your mantle, clicking, whirring and hooting at all your guests. Actually, it's not really mechanical at all. You can't control it. So you'd have to pose it and make all the owly / beeping noises yourself. But you know what they say...imagination is the best toy of all! This baby is only $350.00 and is available from the strange nerds at Stelter Creative.

Next up is a more interactive type of item...a puppet of the deformed mutant baby from the 1976 shocker "It's Alive!" The puppet is made so that you hold it as you would an infant, proudly over your shoulder for all to see. Strap it on, hit the mall and watch the masses scratch their collective heads. Make gurgling and mewling sounds to amuse passerby. Growl at children. You're in control! It's available here for a mere $60.

And finally, we close out this installment of B.H.H.G.G. with an item that is both practical and amusing. We're all aware of the rash of recent studies showing that obesity is on the rise in this country. Well, there's also a lesser-known study that suggests the public's pop-culture knowledge is waning dangerously. This item addresses both issues: it's a scale that measures your weight not in pounds, stones or kilograms, but in pop culture characters!

So if you're skinny and step on the scale, it may tell you that you weigh as much as "Gizmo" from "Gremlins", or maybe Mr. Bean. But if you exhibit no self-control and eat everything in sight during the holidays, you may hit the dreaded "Mr. Ed" mark. I can only hope that the highest setting is for William "Cannon / Jake and the Fatman" Conrad. Although the website says that it ranges "from baby Jesus to King Kong", so that might be my answer. This item is from England, so I suggest you order early.

More suggestions to come over the next couple of weeks.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

More odd (read: unintentionally sexual) comic book covers

Here's a few more for your viewing pleasure. First off, we have an Archie cover (click on all to enlarge).

And here's some more Archie. I knew Riverdale High was a swingin' place.

And here's an old Tarzan cover. Nothing overt here, but there's definitely a post-something vibe in the hizzut (street slang for "hut").

Sorry to "work blue", as the comedians say. But these are funny. I will post more as soon as I swipe them from other sites.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Interesting old comic book cover

Not much to add here.

Wisconsin Bigfoot update

The recent alleged Bigfoot sighting / deer carcass theft outside of Milwaukee (see hard-hitting story below) created quite a stir in the area, with two boys saying that they too saw a creature, and area news stations all running stories in the incident. Some high-faluttin' "Bigfoot investigator" also flew in from Florida or some other swampy shitbox, but found no substantial evidence.

But according to this website, which is run by someone who makes Fox Mulder look like Carl Sagan,the reason no proof of a Bigfoot was found is simple: it wasn't a Bigfoot at all.

It was a werewolf. Or more accurately, a bearwolf. Even more terrifying!

Well, that explains it. Thank God a level head came along to give this situation some clarity. And although I was initially skeptical of their claim, the ultra-realistic drawing of the beast they posted convinced me.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

From the "It's About Time" Department: A Japanese talk show hosted by a chimp

Just what it sounds like, people. In their brilliance, the Japanese have created a talk show hosted by a chimpanzee. Better yet, his Ed McMahon-esque sidekick is a camel named
Pierre Rodriguez, which is pretty sweet. So, without further ado, behold the CNC...the Chimpan News Channel.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Ah-oo-ga! Ah-oo-ga! Bigfoot spotted in Wisconsin!

The sleepy state of Wisconsin (and indeed, the world as a whole) was rocked recently by a report concerning a Wisconsin DNR employee who swears that Bigfoot stole a deer carcass out of his truck.

The incident happened this Thursday in the Holy Hill area of Washington County, about an hour northwest of Milwaukee. A man contracted by the Department of Natural Resources to pick up road kill came to the Washington County Sheriff's Department to report that a "7-foot-tall animal" had taken a deer out of the back of his pickup truck at about 1 a.m. Thursday, Sheriff Brian Rahn said.

According to the report, the man loaded a deer carcass into the back of his truck on Highway 167 near Station Way, got into the cab and prepared to drive away when a large black animal, very wide and larger than a bear, jumped into the back of his pickup and dragged out the carcass he had just loaded.

Why would Bigfoot do this, you ask? Simple, you moron. Deer liver is a staple of the Bigfoot diet. It's packed with vitamins, although in such concentrated doses that it would be poisonous to a human. But to a much larger creature like Bigfoot, it makes for fine eating. Deer carcasses are found all over the country with their livers missing but the rest of the innards intact. This is because Bigfoot is eating them. It's true.

Blogfoot still maintains friendships with people in the Milwaukee area, and as such, operatives have been dispatched to the scene to collect evidence and report findings. However, these same operatives (you know who you are) should be ashamed that they didn't notify me of this epoch-shattering story in the first place, as I stumbled upon it on my own. Frankly, I'm sickened.

You can read the official (albeit short) account here.
There's also a video of the story that I couldn't get to work.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Hulk celebrate! Then Hulk smash!

As our friends over at Giant Monster were kind enough to point out, today is the 55th birthday of Lou Ferrigno, TV's Incredible Hulk.
Mrs. Blogfoot and I saw Mr. Ferrigno in person back in the summer of 2002 at the San Diego Comic Con, and I can confirm that dude has keep himself in what could only be described as tip-top condition. Mrs. Blogfoot said, "Jesus, he's huge!", which prompted me to wittily reply, "Hmmm. Maybe that's why the hired him to play The Hulk."

Thanks to GM for the pic as well. I'm lazy.

More "Buck Rogers"

It gets worse, people. Lots worse.

The Buck Rogers clip I posted the other day brought forth such an avalanche of rapturous feedback...comments, emails, rose pedals tossed in my path in the downtown Minneapolis skyway...that I thought I should post some more. Give the people what they want, y'know?

First up is a clip that illustrates my previous point about this show being driven
by lust ( well, that and a rock-bottom budget ). Not even the robots are immune from this permeating vibe of sexiness. Then again, maybe everyone is just taking their cues from Buck, who in this clip is lounging around in a white robe that's opened up to his frickin' navel. They're probably visiting a 'pleasure planet' in this episode or something. Gird your loins!

It's almost inspiring in its awfulness. The female robot doesn't even have breasts,
a bigger ass, or any suggestion of a womanly shape. They just threw some gold spray paint on an extra Twikki suit they had laying around. And her catchphrase? "Booty, booty, booty"? No wonder he got all excited. Well, at least she didn't lead him on. Although I feel kinda bad for Dr. Theopolis, the round clock / lite brite thingy with the soothing voice. Poor Dr. Dr. Theopolis. He has no one.

Next up we have a clip where lycra-clad beauty Wilma Deering (played Erin Gray, who generously doled out boners to 13 year-olds across the country circa 1980) falls prey to a terrifying space vampire, then gets all slutty as a result. Yeah! This clip is larger, so let it load for a bit.

I'm not going to lie...I'm very interested in seeing how this episode ends.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

An amendment

I've decided that a better title for the previous "Buck Rogers" post would have been:

"In the future cars will fly, disease and famine will be eradicated, and people will use 90% of ther brain capacity. But they will still dance badly."

Please make a note of it.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

In the future cars will fly, people will use 90% of their brain capacity and dancing will be even sexier

Here's a clip from the pilot episode of "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century", a terrifically bad TV show from the early 80's. I watched this show as a young lad, but rest assured I hated it. I only tolerated it because I was sci-fi starved at that point in my life. It was from the unfertile mind of a fiend known Glen A. Larson, the man behind "Battlestar Galactica." It shared that show's lame attempts at humor and recycling of the same 3 special effects shots. It also had a shitty robot named Twikki who was voiced by Mel Blanc, the throat behind Bug Bunny.

The clip below shows the recently-thawed Buck attend a formal event in the future, held in honor of the heavily lip-glossed Princess Ardala. I think Buck ended up banging her later. In fact, if memory serves, Buck tried to bang anything that came near him on this show. He was easily one of the horniest characters in TV history, perhaps rivaling even the great Captain Kirk.

Anyway, Buck finds the event to be rather stodgy, and decides to "turn this mother out," as the kids say. What happens next may cause blindness, and perhaps in rare cases, infertility to those who subject themselves to repeated viewings. You've been warned.

It's Tuesday November 7th, which means you should...

....race to the store and buy a copy of "Guitar Hero 2" for Playstation 2! That's right, the sequel to one of the greatest video games of all time is being released today, and it's chock full of all new songs. You can jam along to classics like Cheap Trick's "Surrender", Van Halen's "You Really Got Me" and "War Pigs" by Black Sabbath, among many others. And now two people can play at the same time, and one can play the bass part while the other plays lead or rhythm guitar. Truly, these are wondrous times we live in. We played the first one here at work and managed to finish it, and it was nothing short of awesome.

Once you conquer all the levels, you could, time permitting, also vote.

FYI...I did both already. I voted early, then stopped at Target and picked up the game, and still made it to work before 9 AM. I rule!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Drunkins (drunkenly-carved pumpkins)

Some of my peeps came over and carved pumpkins just before Halloween. I had been drinking for about 4 hours prior so my carving skillz weren't quite up to par, plus the pumpkins were really thick. So thick that the serated carving tool barely poked through the skin (Hide? Husk?). Wotta revoltin' development. However, I managed to eek out a Gene Simmons pumpkin. The pic is blurry, as we forgot to set the shake reduction on the digital camera (that darn booze again), but you'll get the idea.

The God of Thunder / Kiss bassist / banger of many women / star of 1984's sci-fi smash "Runaway" in glorious pumpkin form.

I also made a Michael Myers, aka the Boogeyman / Shape from "Halloween." Did you know that the mask in that movie is actually an old Don Post Studio's mask of William Shatner from the 70's spray-painted white? It's true. The budget on the classic 1978 film was so low that some crafty crewman came up with that as a solution. This pic is even blurrier, if you can believe that. So, here goes: Michael Myers is on the left, Jack Skellington is in the middle, and Gene is on the right. A friend did the Oogie-Boogie Man from "Nightmare Before X-Mas" that got cropped out. Sorry, dude. You can solace in the fact that it would have just been blurry anyway.

We'll do better next year. Although I maintain that the insanely dense and thick pumpkins did not help our cause, and neither did the booze, and they looked good in non-blurry person.

Two things I never need to hear again as long as I live

1.) "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" (original or long, rambling jam-style cover version)

2.) "Hey...any chance we can get those changes we talked about to the client today? They need them for a 1:00 meeting." (various account people through the years)

That oughta do it for now.







Blogfoot would like you to read Blogfoot

Blogfoot understands that the above sentence makes no sense whatsoever, or at best is gramatically incorrect to the nth degree. But the other day I googled 'Blogfoot' to see what came up, and my Blogfoot is the third entry! Third! Oh, the ignonomy! The humilation! Apparently there is a mobile blogging system named Blogfoot, and they occupy the first 2 entries. There is also a German website with an entry that states "Hier entsteht die Domain", which I don't mind so much because they're listed after me and I find most things Germanic to be amusing.

Thus, from this point onward there will be more posts with Blogfoot in the titles, and liberal-to-the-point-of-maddening usage of the word Blogfoot in an attempt to displace this lame photo-posting site from the top Google slot.