Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Halloween trademark dodge #1309

Spied this yesterday at a store - the "Disc Jockey Wig."

No disc jockey in particular - just your average, everyday disc jockey. It is certainly not meant to be a famous "shock jock" popular for the sexual and scatological content of his nationally-syndicated morning program. Nope. Put away your legal writs, litigious-minded lawyer-types - this is just a plain old ordinary disc jockey.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Thirsty? Filled with rage? Try a Kinski Brau.

These days the beer industry is awash with brands spewing forth pointless positioning phrases like "superior drinkability" and "cold filtering" and the like. All these qualities are bunk. What a man really wants in a beer is good old-fashioned gestalt.

It is for these mercurial, insane and Teutonic-skewing men that we make Kinski Brau.

Created in tribute to the legendary German thespian / madman Klaus Kinski, Kinski Brau is hand-crafted in small batches, primarily because it's makers are given to fits of rage and cannot stay calmly on task for too long.

This copper-colored brew has a pleasant hop aroma and is the perfect fuel for screaming at your director or haranguing audiences, photographers and fans. As venomous invectives fly forth from your snarling, foam-flecked lips, you will find yourself beguiled by the beer's assured yet-not-overpowering taste. Your eyes will bulge from their sockets as your mood careens wildly from lustful joy to murderous rage in the flash of an instant, and you will remark, in the form of some sort of sneered insult barked in your guttural native tongue, of how well this lager goes with various boiled meats.

Fall is the perfect time to enjoy a batch of our fine brew, whether you are consumed with raking the leaves, completely obliterating a hotel room, or hatching a murderous plot to kill one of your long-time collaborators. We'd like to think Klaus himself would enjoy a couple bottles of our carefully crafted beer, most likely before cracking the empty bottles over our heads. We encourage you - no, scratch that - we demand that all you schweinekopf try a bottle of Kinski Brau today.

Kinski Brau is a product of Blogfoot Brewery, Saint Anthony, MN

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Chimp + Segway = Magic

And to elevate this clip to even more dizzying heights, the chimp is wearing overalls.

I've got to hand it to the chimp - he figured it out pretty quick. Some might criticize his dismount technique, but I applaud his classic "abandon ship!" approach.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Less is more

Here is a sublime piece of package design I spied today whilst shopping for some Halloween supplies. I required no false facial hair, but the $1.29 price tag and elegant graphics nonetheless caused me to part with me hard-earned cutter.

It looks less like a package and more like a vintage pamphlet warning youths about the dangers of tramp beards. I would be certainly be interested in reading such a hand-out, as well as it's harrowing companion volume "Vagrant Moustaches."

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I smell a top-selling calendar

Here's a couple of pictures that would make even the toughest whale-hunting, baby-seal-bludgeoning seaman grow misty-eyed.

I think the calendar should be called "Hugs 2009." Ideas like this are why I get paid the big bucks, people.

That second picture is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. That is pure, unadulterated, straight-up joy right there. It makes one wonder: can chimps giggle? And if so, what does said giggling sound like? I know they hoot and screech when excited, but this picture says "giggle" more than "hoot and screech.". Kudos to Cute Overload for bringing these pics to light.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Good stuff

I'm not going to say much about this except that it's from Robert Smiegel's "TV Funhouse" show that was on Comedy Central and that it has a premise that is very close to genius.

Can I inquire as to where you got that charming lawn jockey?

So yesterday I was sitting at work, pecking away at my computer on a pitch that I've generously been given a whole day to come up with concepts for, when I heard the ding of an incoming email. I opened my email program and saw that it was a mass email from some people I know in Cedarburg, Wisconsin who are always passing along "funny" emails to their friends.

These people were good friends of my now-deceased father. Their kids loved him, and when he was sick they went over and helped him out with things, checked on him, ran errands, etc. Their help was invaluable, especially seeing as how I lived in another state. They've also been very nice to me over the years and have always seemed like nothing but kind, decent people.

Usually their email attachments are of the typical dumb email variety that clog this great internet of ours on a daily basis - purported photos of giant cats, fat people, anti-Chicago bears jokes, etc. But I knew I was in for a wild ride when I saw the subject line that read "The Next Air Force One."
I was fairly certain this wasn't going to be a jab at McCain, but even I, as cynical as I am, was unprepared for the image that greeted me upon opening the email (FYI - I wrestled with whether or not to even post this on my blog and thereby be complicit in continuing it's exposure, but ultimately I decided that such things must sometimes be seen to be believed).

Are you ready, Amos and Andy fans? Here goes (click to embiggen).

Yow. Now I think we can all agree that this is unforgivably racist, unfunny, inappropriate, etc (not to mention that it swiped artwork from a Curious George book). But what also lept out at me was that it's creator was so proud of his efforts, so sure that he had created something that would spread like wildfire, that his signed his work! Scott Seibert, you are a thick-headed dullard and most likely beyond any sort of human redemption, but I must say that you have ginormous balls. Without a doubt they are larger than your walnut-sized brain. Now f*#k off.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


The national debt clock near Times Square ran out number spaces yesterday. I guess they can always tape up sheets of paper next to it. At this point I'm not even sure why we bother keeping track. A number such as this is so abstract that they may as well just tack up a Pollock painting in it's stead.

In related news, I've dug a moat around my property, planted a garden and bought a shotgun. So be warned: even if you and your hungry family make it past the alligators, I will shoot you before you can ravage my carrot crop.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Choose your zombie fate

Here's a nice little interactive zombie movie - you choose the way the story progresses by selecting one of two options, you go the next scene, repeat, etc. It's "Dragon's Lair" meets "Night of the Living Dead."

Click here to "Survive The Outbreak"...if you dare! And you probably do dare, seeing as how you're no-doubt looking to kill more time at work.

I thought this was a fairly high-quality effort. But I must take umbrage with the fact that as someone well-versed in zombie lore, I feel that there was some inaccurate developments. Specifically, when I granted the sweet release of death to a man wounded by a zombie bite by shooting him in the head, or left a hobbled, injured person to their fate, I was punished by the game - ie; attacked and killed by zombies.

This doesn't cut the mustard in my book. Everyone knows that anyone bitten by a zombie is going to become a zombie themselves and be a sure-fire threat down the road. And a wounded person is straight-up unnecessary ballast - they will slow you down and almost certainly get killed anyway, and most likely doom you in the process. So, to re-cap: Leave the wounded behind, and shoot any bitten people in the head. You have my permission to do the same to me in the case of a zombie outbreak (although my natural quickness, penchant for snug clothing and close-cropped hair will give me a huge edge when it comes to escaping the grasping clutches of a zombie horde).