Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Y'all had best back off

The geek movie website Aint It Cool News is reporting that some brain-addled producers are planning to attempt an ill-advised remake of John Carpenter's boffo 1981 sci-fi/action epic "Escape From New York", with "300" star Gerard Butler slated to star as anti-hero Snake Plissken.

There is no reason the remake this movie. The first one is just fine as it is. It had a fresh-off "Used Cars" Kurt Russell with an eyepatch, Harry Dean Stanton, Ernest Borgnine, Lee Van Cleef, Adrianne Barbeau and her giant rack and last but certainly not least, soulmeister Issac Hayes as the Duke of New York, the man who runs the city and is so stylish that he has chandeliers on the hood of his Cadillac (it is New York City, after all). You could not possibly hope to top that all-star cast, so why even try?

If you're not familiar with the movie (in which case I weep for you and your offspring), it was set in the year 1997, and the USA has basically become a police state. The island of Manhattan has been walled-off and converted into the country's one maximum security prison. You commit a crime, and you are dumped in there with the rest of the scum and forced to fend for yourself, as there are no guards. Air Force One crashes inside with President onboard, wherein he is made hostage by prisoners. A condemned criminal and former war hero named Snake Plissken (Russell) is offered his freedom if he can rescue the President in time to get him to some important peace talks with a cassette tape(!) that contains the secret of nuclear fusion. Snake proceeds to land a glider on top of the World Trade Center and get busy on some sewer mutants and criminals. A perfect canvas, I'm sure you'll agree.

Back off, Hollywood, you hear me? The memory of this fine film has already been tainted enough by the wretched "Escape From LA" sequel in 1996. I suffered through the indignity of your "Planet of the Apes" and "Godzilla" remakes, but now I must draw the line.

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