Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Calvin and Hobbes Movie
From the fine folks at McSweeney's comes this treatment for a potential Calvin and Hobbes movie, as written by Sam Johnson. Good stuff:
The story is based on this truck decal I saw where Calvin is peeing on a Ford logo. Since the story is grounded in real life, I got rid of Hobbes. Is he a toy or a talking tiger? Tigers don't talk. Doesn't make sense. So he's gone, as is everything else about the comic strip. It's too wordy and confusing. In the movie, Calvin is this lovable-loser type who pees on corporate logos in his little hometown in central California (Centerville). His girlfriend's dad makes her dump him because he pees on the dad's real-estate-company logo. Calvin is so depressed he leaves town. On the way out, he decides to pee on a Ford logo at a Ford dealership. Big mistake. He's busted. But instead of going to jail, he's sent to the Ford headquarters, in Dearborn, Michigan. Henry Ford VII tells him that Ford is a dying company. It's in deep shit, being totally screwed by foreign competition. Henry Ford VII needs Calvin's help for one last, desperate measure. Under cover of darkness, Calvin is sent to a Mexican car company. It's the biggest car company in the world, but most of the workers are practically slaves and nobody likes it there. But that's how it makes huge profits: shitty cars, slave labor, high prices. That is, until Calvin pees on the Mexican car company's corporate logo (a Mexican in a sombrero and cape taking a siesta). Some guys from Ford take a picture of Calvin peeing on the logo, and the picture gets put in papers everywhere. But mostly it's printed in the U.S., where people go apeshit for it. It's a huge embarrassment to the Mexican car company to have this gringo dude pee on their logo. And Calvin becomes the most revered American of all time. He pees on a bunch of other foreign corporate logos. He's this huge deal, and it sort of goes to his head. He becomes a big asshole who gets millions of dollars for making public appearances and peeing on logos. Then, one time, he gets really drunk and completely misses a Nissan logo and pees on a little girl instead. He's booed by all the people watching. And the little girl cries. He sort of laughs at her, then he sees his old girlfriend standing in the crowd. He feels ashamed because he's forgotten the real Calvin: a smalltime dreamer who pees on logos in Centerville, California. Calvin gives up the highlife and goes home. He gets rid of the entourage and the media and the trappings of success, and tries to live normally so he can win back his girl. He helps his neighbors, he bags groceries, he walks dogs, etc. He's just trying to get back to reality. But it's then when he's most vulnerable, and the foreign corporations send their assassins, led by Professor Edward Tang, who has invented something called the "Atom Bullet." It's sick! But with the help of his neighbors, and after a few narrow escapes, Calvin defeats him. And, in the end, he gets his girlfriend back. Although her dad is killed by this Mexican guy. Other than that, though, it's a happy ending.