There you go - a perfectly semi-amusing facebook update. As someone who is fascinated by the whole fan fiction thing (in particular "M*A*S*H" fan fiction), it recently occurred to me that writing muppet fan fiction would be a pointless exercise of the highest order. After all, half of the fun of the muppets is the visual aspect - they are funny looking puppets that move and gesticulate in an interesting fashion. Another important quality of the muppets is the vocal aspect - each have unique vocal styles that help define their characters - again, a quality that would lost on the printed page.
But then a terrifying thought gripped me: has someone actually written muppet fan fiction, and if so, had they actually attempted to do so in a non-satirical fashion?
It turns out some mad fiends have. And here is an excerpt from one particular story I found (you guessed it) online titled "Sometimes The Sky Calls":
A shiver ran down Kermit’s spine as he sat in his cell, looking through the glass window to try and see what was going on in the other cells surrounding his own. Observing his friends from the boarding house, as well as neighbors and strangers, pacing around irritably in their mini-prisons while occasionally shouting out their demands to know what was going on. It was a whole new breed of chaos, one that the frog wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle.
He was worried, but even more than that…he was scared.
Brrr- chilling stuff, no? As near as I can tell so far the author, no doubt in the throes of an oxycotin overdose, conceived of a tale in which Muppets were rounded up like Jewish people and tossed in some type of concentration camp. Here's more:
“Dis is insane, d’ey can’t do dis to us!” Rizzo screeched from behind the amphibian, while attempting to scrape a hole in the cement wall at the back of the room. Fozzie simply sighed with worry, while Piggy stared at the back of Kermit’s head. It was only a matter of time before the other two did the same, looking toward their natural-born leader for advice.
He glanced back at them, but was unable to deliver the sort of supportive and uplifting speech they had come to expect from him when times got rough. After all, the situation they found themselves in right now was far different from anything they had encountered before. Everything was going to be different after this; and the frog wasn’t sure how he was going to handle the outcome…how any of them would.
“I’m sure they’ll tell us what’s going on soon.” Kermit finally said after a few moments, returning his worried gaze back through the window in front of him. Hoping to spot a guard that might be willing to give them a clue about the situation, although he couldn’t help doubting it that it would happen.
“D’ese guys? Telling us da truth?” The rat scoffed half-heartedly, too consumed with worry to be as sarcastic and cynical as he was normally capable of. He was beginning to let his panic set in, and quickly re-directed his attention back to the wall he was trying to dig a hole in. “I’d get us out of here before we get any info about what da heck’s going on from them!”
The others in the cell watched as he resumed his attempts to chip away at the wall with his teeth, each understood how he was feeling. After all, they were feeling it too.
A couple of hours had passed since the soldiers had stormed the town and taken everyone into custody, bringing them to this facility and putting them into the cells they now occupied; four per room. And not once had any of them been given an explanation as to what was going on, why they were there, what was happening to their friend.
They were being left in the dark, and Kermit hated it.
I will now give you a moment to let the enormity of all that sink in.
Now - I don't want to get all Statler and Waldorf here, but obviously this story has major problems. The greatest of which is that it violates a storytelling axiom I like to adhere to, which is this: there are some subjects that just flat-out defy versimillitude, or "real world" treatment. Muppets are definitely one of these subjects, as are Smurfs / Snorks, Rainbow Brite, Jem, etc. Trying to ascribe feelings of fear, doom and themes of imprisonment or mortality to these characters just doesn't work.
In conclusion, anyone seeking to pen some muppet fan fiction in the future would do well to heed this advice, and simply stick to writing stories that have Kermit banging Miss Piggy. Maybe work in a jealous Link Hogthrob for a little love triangle action - stuff like that.