Saturday, March 18, 2006

Denouncing the Messenger Bag Generation, pt. 2

In a previous entry we here at blogfoot blew the lid off an entire age group and even dared give this shiftless band of 20-somethings a name: the messenger bag generation. We promised an interview with a member of said generation, Jake the intern, in an attempt to hopefully gain some insight into this sad lot.

Jake ( at left, in a picture no doubt taken with his camera phone ) wears Iron Maiden t-shirts and holds a practically worthless degree in English, of all things. Due to his busy schedule of hunting for free music on the web, swiping office supplies and asking “are you going to eat that?” every 5 minutes, this interview was conducted via email.

Q: Why are you all so lazy?
A: Let me answer that later, I'm tired.

Q: Why do you all like watching things on your phones?
A: Because aging hipsters at ad agencies tell us we should.

Q: Why do you all like the movie "The Goonies"?
A: Because we didn't want to read Huck Finn.

Q: If you could watch "The Goonies" on your phone, would that be the coolest thing ever?
A: As long as it could be enjoyed with a Red Bull.

Q: What is the appeal of crystal meth?
A: Strong bones.

Q: What's with the weird footwear?
A: Footwear is the new ironic t-shirt.

Q: Why not wear sincere t-shirts instead of ironic ones?
A: What's sincere anymore? The age of irony is upon us, embrace it. We live in a postmodern age, and we get to throw around ideas like postmodernism as we please, whether we know what is or not.

Q: How come all of you seem to have rich parents?
A: A simple theory. If you're my age, roughly, you have parents that had parents that came off the tail end of the depression and didn't have a pot to piss in. So my parents weren't all that well off growing up. So they feel this need to better themselves and achieve a life they didn't have growing up for not only themselves, but for their children. They have ambition. And in the spirit of bootstrapism and the American dream, they do well. So my age set, broadly speaking, is pretty well off.

Q: Why won't more of you go fight for your country?
A: Fight for what? We have everything we could possibly ever imagine.

Q: Why do you like burritos so much?
A: Again, not our fault, people have force fed them to us. And it wasn't the Mexicans.

Q: You're all poor, but have ipods, cell phones and decent cars. How?
A: Refer to the rich parents question.

Q: What do you carry in your messenger bag?
A: I'm looking through it right now. I-pod, 2 sketch-books, Planner-not a blackberry or sidekick mind you, Nalgene bottle, a #2 pencil, a black ink pen, three black sharpies, 4 cough drops, a shotgun shell, dominoes, 48 cents, “The Picture of Dorian Gray” by Oscar Wilde with an afterword by Joyce Carol Oates, my keys, and the satisfaction of knowing if bothers people like you that I carry a bag.

There you have it, folks. I would have edited his answers to make him look bad and support my point of view, but there was no need. I gave him some rope, and he hung himself. Give these punks a chance to defend themselves in the court of public opinion, and you get a bunch of snarky answers instead. I weep for the future.

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