Monday, March 20, 2006

Why are there no handsome bums?


Ladies, the next time you see a panhandler, ask yourself: social status and hygiene notwithstanding, would I bang this guy? The answer is no. Because there are no handsome bums.

Why not? Surely attractive people fail? But blogfoot surmises that if you are attractive enough to be deemed handsome, you have a certain sway over people, and this sway (loosely defined for our purposes here as ’charisma’, which admittedly can be a different beast altogether) will prevent you from completely slipping through society’s cracks. Someone will always want to date you, hang out with you, hire you, have you around, etc. Blogfoot believes that Freud was dead-on when he said “Anatomy is destiny.” In other words, good looks can always be coasted upon.

If wrong, this theory should be easy to disprove, given the penetration of camera cell phones these days. Readers are encouraged to snap pictures of any bums they would classify as handsome, hot, boneable, etc, and send them to us. If this makes you feel like a mean person, you are certainly encouraged to give the subject a buck for their trouble. You should occasionally do this sort of thing anyways.

7 comments:

Jamie Baker said...

one thing I've noticed though, is that they tend to have a fuller head of hair than the average dude...

BlogFoot said...

Hmm. That's true. Maybe because they don't wash it as much?

I'm going to comb the web and see if it's possible to patent homelessness as a cure for baldness.

dan said...

I was in San Francisco in the spring of 1997. While strolling down a busy street a spry young gent walked up to me and said "smidgen for bagel? smidgen for bagel?" He wasn't a bad looking fellow either. His clothes were a little beat up, but I wouldn't put him a day over 30, and he didn't really look homeless.

To this day, I have yet to hear another homeless person use the word "smidgen".

Sorry, no picture. I hope this doesn't render my comment worthless.

BlogFoot said...

I suspect what you encountered was either:

A.) some guy in a punk band that was hungry
B.) a rich kid doing research for a term paper
c. ) someone who's life was turned upside down due
to a couple of old rich guys making a bet and switching two peoples social circumstances. They guy you encountered was the formerly rich guy they cast into
a life of poverty.

Ann said...

I once drove by a panhandler in Houston holding a sign that read
"Am I needy? Yes indeedy"

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