More good stuff from McSweeney's

I've previously posted some features of import from the humor / writing collective known as McSweeney's, and they're also linked to the right, under the section cleverly titled "Links." Even though the site is bereft of photos and that may frighten some people, I still heartily recommend that you check it out on a regular basis and explore its archives. Below is a piece I found today doing just that. It's by Matt Passet and titled:

"CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN FAMOUS PEOPLE AS IMAGINED BY SOMEONE WITH AN AMERICAN PUBLIC-SCHOOL EDUCATION WHO DIDN'T PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION IN SCHOOL BUT WHO DID JUST ENOUGH TO PASS THE EXAMS."

Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill

NIXON: Hello, I see you're smoking a cigar and wearing a large hat.

CHURCHILL: So I am, young chap. Could I interest you in a cigar?

NIXON: Sure, I think I smoke cigars ... maybe ... I don't know.

(CHURCHILL hands a cigar to NIXON, who bites off the tip and lights it.)

NIXON: We were probably alive at the same time.

CHURCHILL: Indeed, my boy, indeed. I had something to do with World War II and I think maybe you fought in it.

NIXON: I'm not sure if I did.

CHURCHILL: There's not that much more about me that everyone knows.

NIXON: I once held up my hands and formed two peace signs. I was either about to get onto a plane or get off of one.

CHURCHILL: I have seen the photo, because I think there were cameras when I was alive.

NIXON: And what about Watergate? I did that.

CHURCHILL: Margaret Thatcher is someone else from England. She was leader after me.

NIXON: People can buy masks of my face.


J.D. Salinger and Christopher Columbus

COLUMBUS: I discovered America.

SALINGER: You're a phony, everything's phony.

COLUMBUS: I sailed on three ships called the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. I don't think I had anything to do with the Mayflower. That was before me.

SALINGER: Everything is phony.

COLUMBUS: It was 1492 when I found America. That year is definitely correct.

SALINGER: Were there Indians here when you got here?

COLUMBUS: Yes. I discovered them, too. I don't think I had Thanksgiving with them, though. Those were Pilgrims. Maybe I was a Pilgrim, but probably not.

SALINGER: I wrote one book and nobody ever saw me again.

COLUMBUS: There were no books when I was alive.


Abraham Lincoln and Hitler

HITLER: Kill the Jews.

ABE: Free the slaves.

HITLER: Kill everyone, especially the Jews. Nazis are the best.

ABE: Emancipation Proclamation.

HITLER: Mein Kampf.

ABE: Four score and seven years ago.

HITLER: Kill all Jews!

ABE: I was shot in the head at a play, because the Civil War made people from the South angry.

HITLER: I created Nazis.

- - - -

Let's interview the zombie kid

Here's a clip of a local news reporter doing a remote at a county fair and deciding that a little kid in zombie make-up would make a fine subject for an interview. In return for her efforts, she is rewarded with a dollop of genius.



Thanks to collegehumor for the link.

A theory

A friend of mine just postulated that the concept of The Incredible Hulk boils down to simply this: what would it be like if someone's entire body got an erection?



Seems logical to me.

Bigfoot outsourced

A spate ( or rash, take your pick ) of recent sightings of bigfoot-esque hairy giants roaming the jungles of India's remote northeast have prompted authorities there to order an offical investigation, according to an AP News article.

A half-dozen or so villagers have had some mysterious encounters as of late, including a farmer who claims to have seen a whole family of the creatures. "The sight was frightening: two adults and two smallers ones, huge and bulky, furry," he told a reporter. "Their heads looked as if they were wearing caps, and their colour was blackish-brown, he said, adding "The four of them quickly vanished into the undergrowth."

In a related story, 30 Bigfoot were laid off in the Pacific Northwest this week in an apparent cost-cutting move.

Doing what I'm told

Mrs. Blogfoot has requested that I post something new so that she doesn't have to "keep looking at Britney Spears' nasty, wrinkly boob" everyday. So, in the interest of keeping the marital waters calm, let's talk about an old cereal from the 70's that I loved, but many people don't seeem to remember, called "Freakies."



Freakies was basically Captain Crunch with a different shape, brought to us by the fine folks at Purina. Who made pet food, by the way. The backstory was that all these weird little monsters lived under the Freakie tree, from which grew the cereal where "it ripened in the sun, becoming toasty and sugary." Another importamt aspect of this cereal was that the toys inside were better than usual for the time. In fact, I still have one of the magnets from it.

The quality of this clip isn't so hot. Sorry.

wtf?

I don't know if you check out the various snarky celebrity blogs like I occassionally do, but there's been a trend in the last 6 months or so. And that trend is starlets flashing their hoo-hoo's, and then pics of their hoo-hoo's showing up online. And lately Britney Spears has been flashing everything, including this one posted today of her top falling off for the umpteenth time.

Listen...I know these people are followed 24/7 by the papparazzi, and I can see how that level of exposure could result in some mildly embarassing shots. But you could follow me around every day for 5 years and I guarantee you wouldn't get a shot of my honker hanging out. I mean, you might get some shots of me picking my nose, or my hair looking funny, or some toothpaste or ketchup on my face, but that's about it.

Godzilla victory jig

This is the dance Godzilla does after he's done kicking your ass:



This clip is from "Invasion of Astro-Monster", a 1965 Godzilla classic (released on the US as "Godzilla VS Monster Zero) which I just got on DVD for a pittance. It also features what may be the greatest costume design for a race of aliens ever captured on celluloid. You can catch a glimpse of one of them at the end of the clip. You may think it's just an asian guy wearing a rubber ring around his neck and sunglasses he borrowed from a member of "The Knack", but trust me, he's really an alien.

Things I won't be blogging about

1.) "The Sopranos" series finale

2.) Paris Hilton in jail

I think the web is clogged up plenty already with people screaming about these topics. And reading the talkback forums for each has led me to conclude that that there are two things in this world that reduce a person to their angriest, most primitive state:

1.) Being stuck in traffic

2.) Posting a comment in an internet talkback forum.

It's true. Both of them strip away all the polite pretense of being human and reveal us at our most reactionary and animalistic. I hope to never run into the guy who is managing to do both at the same time. He'd be like the The Hulk.

What will I be blogging about? Hmmm. I'm not sure. But here's a picture of a guy hugging a giant statue of bigfoot to keep you occupied in the meantime.

For the young and the young at heart

Yesterday I went to the website of Allied Waste Management, because in my spare time I like to peruse the websites of garbage disposal companies. Who doesn't? Actually, I needed to rent a large roll-off dumpster for some basement renovation I'm about to engage in (goodbye, wood paneled walls and drop ceiling!) and I wanted to see what the rates were compared to the people I had used before for this service.

Anyway, something caught my eye at their website. Something called the "Kids Section." What? Do kids go to this site frequently? Kids who are really interested in waste disposal? And once there, do they crave games and entertainment? Apparently the answer to these questions is resounding "yes" because upon clicking on the link, I was transported to a magical world of fun and excitement.

First of all, we have the lovable Allied Waste mascots, Garbage Gus and Recycle Rosie. Look how happy they are! They are absolutely thrilled to cart away your bags of cat shit, orange peels and milk cartons (by the way, Rosie is the one with pronounced lips and flower in her helmet).



Next up in this dizzying thrill-ride was the "Garbage Gus Maze." It took me 3 times to do it ( I recommend using a pencil ), but the satisfaction I felt at the end was well worth it.



But the excitement doesn't stop there: you can also download the Garbage Gus Word Search, the Recycling Rosie Recycling Maze, The Recycling Rosie Secret Code Puzzle and the Recycling Rosie Word Search. All in all, it offers about 13.7 seconds of entertainment to the very young or sweetly retarded. Fun and frolic await you here. Gird your loins!

Oh yeah - I did end up ordering a dumpster from them, because they were cheaper than the other guys.

The world's most disgusting keyboard

**Official Blogfoot Disclaimer***
The following pictures may shock you. They have not been altered or photoshopped in any way. Not for the squeamish.

Whose keyboard is this, you ask? Conan the Barbarian's? Bigfoot's? Gollum's? Nothing so mythic: it belongs to a co-worker. "Well, surely it's been used for 17 years or so" you say? No, it is but 2-years old. "Well, the person must work in a bog, a sandbox or at a construction site, right?" Wrong again. The person works at my agency, mere feet from myself. I should also meniton that ants have been spotted in his workspace. Without further ado, here are some pictures of the world's most disgusting keyboard (click to embiggen...if you dare!).

No, we did not teach a badger how to type.
This keyboard once belonged to a man.

As you can see from the overall ruination, the owners left
and right hands are equally filthy.



Note the pizza-like substance ( or perhaps it's Dorito / Cheeto dust? ) and hardened cola-syrup trappped in the clear base above.

More mysterious debris.

In search of "In Search Of..." on DVD

For some unfathomable reason, the seminal 70's TV series "In Search Of..." is not available on DVD. And yet, season 2 of "F-Troop" was just released. Well done, Hollywood.

For those not familiar with this fine program, "In Search Of..." was a documentary- style syndicated show that dealt with paranormal subject matter and ran from 1976-1982. It was hosted by Leonard Nimoy, which gave the show instant credibility amongst its target audience. Some of the topics examined were Bigfoot, UFO's, Jack the Ripper, Amelia Earhart, The Bermuda Triangle, The Loch Ness Monster...you know, that kind of stuff. The reenactments were pretty well done for the time, and were accentuated by some strange, eerie music to boot. Kids growing up in the 70's loved this show. I know I did.

I ask you: without this show on DVD, where are the youth of today supposed to learn about ancient civilizations and unknown worlds? How will they learn to wield theory and conjecture like a sword? Most importantly, how long will my blurry VHS bootlegs hold out? I don't even own a VCR anymore, for pete's sake.

Enough already. Here's a clip.



I love the legal disclaimer at the end of the credits: "This series presents information based in part on theory and conjecture. The producer's purpose is to suggest some possible explanations, but not necessarily the only ones, to the mysteries we will examine."

The lack of a DVD can't be a rights issue, because in 1997 I came within an inch of shooting an "In Search Of..." parody commercial for a chicken restaraunt in Chicago (you couldn't make that up). Nimoy's agent got him to agree to star in it, and Nimoy was to get $30k for a day and a half's work. But getting the rights to use the show's title and theme were only $5k! Peanuts, as far as these things are concerned. Sadly, things fell apart at the 11th hour and I was denied the chance to spend vast amounts of others peoples money just to meet Mr. Spock and parody one of my youthful obsessions.

That tears it: I'm going to find or start some internet petition to get this show released on DVD. It's the only way things get done in this country.