Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm Red Bull's bitch



I'm really not happy about this. But I've been working a ton of hours the last couple of months, and in the process I've developed a Red Bull habit. That's right. Diet Pepsi was found wanting, coffee is too acidic for my tender innards to absorb on a thrice-daily basis, and tea is, well, it's tea. That stuff's for chicks.

So I turned to Red Bull. And I really wish I hadn't. For one thing, this shit is expensive, I tell ya! It's like $2.30 a can or something like that. I'm convinced that cocaine would be cheaper. Buying in bulk isn't much better. A 4-pack at Target is almost $7 bucks. Plus, the cans are small; only 8.3 ounces of the precious energy-giving nectar are contained inside. On the one hand it's cool, because when you hold the tiny can you can pretend that you're a giant. But when what little liquid there is inside vanishes after a few all-too-fleeting swallows, it is most definitely not cool.



Jake the Intern briefly saved the day when he called some of his cronies who are "ambassadors" for Red Bull. I'm not sure what that means, but they wore Red Bull jackets, used some sort of funny handshake as a greeting and probably drove around in the car pictured above. They dropped off a free 12-pack here at the agency, which me and a couple of other guys polished off in short order, leaving us no better off than we were a few days before. It's always heartbreaking when the gravy train stops rolling.

In short, I need help. Can anyone get me some methadone?

16 comments:

blogfoot bro said...

Nice product placement, I hope you got some cake for that shameless sell out. Dare I point you to your own post last week? Or could you not find some cute anumal to post in the picture with the car?
I call you to the mat you hypocritical cad

blogfoot bro said...

I am a little hungover today so my grammer and spelling are both terrible. A little of the mongoloid brain today.

BlogFoot said...

My blog is a mobius strip of irony and jingoistic hyperbole. Attempting to divine the goings ons behind the curtain will only give you a headache.

Don't analyze it. Just let it's aura wash over you like the power of the monolith in "2001" and like the lowly ape, you will become enlightened.

Anonymous said...

For a greater volume:bucks spent ratio try switching over to Monster or Rock Star light. Hate the Rock Star cans, but they are both big delicious energy drinks.

anonymous bastard said...

If you are looking for alternatives for your drug habit just to save money, be careful. We all know what happens when you switch from coke to meth just to save a few bucks.

Warnings aside, here is a good database to get you started on getting the most bang for the buck out of your liquid crack:

http://www.energyfiend.com/the-caffeine-database/

If you click on mg/oz at the top of the column you can order them by potency. It appears Wired X294 could do you right. Any time you put your caffeine content right in your name you're basically just laying it out on the table for everybody to measure, and it appears that the contenders walk away shriveled up and embarrassed in the shadow of Wired X294. It's also 16 oz of pure liquid joy, so I can't imagine it'd leave you feeling like you got shorted.

Not sure how much it costs, or if it's legal in MN.

BlogFoot said...

It warms my tired heart to see readers coming forth with energy-giving/money-saving tips.

Rest assured that your input is appreciated and all of your suggestions will be researched post haste.

Ann said...

Yea, get on that reaearch, and while you are at it, which one goes the best with Captain Morgan's?

BlogFoot said...

I'm afraid you have the wrong forum, lady. This one is for people looking to be alert and productive. The drunken "gimme another chocotini" layabout forum is at boozefoot.com

Anonymous said...

I find your pontificating poppycock about tea to be both insulting and disturbing (“…and tea is, well, tea. That stuff is for chicks.”) Your ignorance is only superseded by your cavalier attitude. Have you no sense of history, sir? Are you not aware of tea’s impact on worldwide culture for over 5,000 years? The tealeaf readers of ancient China? The Japanese Zen Tea Ceremony celebrating the oneness of life? The social unity of European tea gatherings? The Portuguese tea trade route forming the world’s first truly global economy? How about our own national heritage—ever heard of a little uprising called the Boston Tea Party?

You spite tea, sir? And for what? A beverage that touts the virtues of caffeine and tourine? How shameful!

BlogFoot said...

Listen Mr Miyagi...your long-winded speil regarding tea had the same effect on my energy levels that the beverage itself does. That is, it made me sleepy.

When I see a VW bug driving around with a giant cup of tea on top of it, then we'll talk.

anonymous bastard said...

In some strange forum I found a picture of a VW Beetle getting tea-bagged. Is that what you are looking for?

Anonymous said...

MR. MIYAGI?!?!? Yes, of course, the diatribe of an individual who possesses neither the intellect nor the conviction to address the real issue—the trivialization of a beverage that is both historically significant, not to mention, possessing a plethora of medicinal properties. I would expect a historical deviant as yourself to barrage a challenging viewpoint by sighting a character portrayed by a recently deceased actor. How do you live with yourself? Once again you have defiled history! Please, for everyone’s sake, pop open a history book instead of a can of your beloved Red Bull.

Over and out!

BlogFoot said...

...and then 'anonymous' rode away on his bike with the giant front tire, never to be heard from again.

Ann said...

Catpain Morgan and tea doesn't work either. If you think about it, nothing mixes with tea, a Long Island Iced tea doesn't even have any tea in it.

blogfoot bro said...

Actually, The Arnold Palmer is a delicious mix of Lemonade and Iced Tea, which is quite satisfying and thirst quenching.

While still young on the forementioned tea timeline, I think history will prove me right when the Arnie Palmer legacy outlives us all!!!

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